tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39182242931663435532024-03-08T01:34:50.672-06:00Our never ending journeyThe story of one military family trying to keep it all together through this crazy, hectic, and often stressful military life. And trying to do it all with a smile.KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-70628337335742004212012-12-15T21:38:00.004-06:002012-12-15T21:38:54.921-06:00The D WordThe D word has been spoken in our house. It's a word I hate more than most. Around here the D word isn't "Damn" or "Divorce" it's something much scarier. For us, the D word is "Deployment".<br />
<br />
Earlier this week Cody received a short notice tasking to deploy and our happy little world was rattled. He leaves in roughly three weeks to go to "far away work". We're all handling it as best as we can. This isn't our first go round. I worry about how Noah will do with it all now that he is older and understands more. I know he will miss his daddy so much. I worry about how I will do as a single parent. I hate this part. What I don't worry about as much is how Cody will do. Sure, he's going to miss us, but he's strong, stronger than me, and always seems to hold it all together so well.<br />
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While I know where he is going, for the sake of operational security, I won't say on here. Just know that it is a place that I am not so scared of. We expect to have him home with us by late summer.<br />
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This is all happening so fast and I wish time would just slow down. I'm so thankful that we'll have him home for Christmas. But I'm going to miss him so much. But, I guess that's what military life is all about. I know I can handle it. Just pray that he stays safe and returns to us quickly.KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-89349064626760406132012-11-13T17:52:00.002-06:002012-11-13T17:52:51.963-06:00What I wish you knew about infertility<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I was reading a post about what women who have experienced miscarriages want to share and wanted to share about infertility. It seems like everyone feels it is always easily corrected or that you are doing something wrong. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are the statistics:</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Percent of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity: 11.8%</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Number of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile (unable to get pregnant for at least 12 consecutive months): 2.1 million</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Percent of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile: 7.4%</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Number of women ages 15-44 who have ever used infertility services: 7.3 million</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Number of couples eventually successful with fertility treatments: Estimated at between 10% and 20%</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to share my feelings about infertility</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">with you, because I want you to understand</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">my struggle. I know that understanding</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">infertility is difficult; there are times when it</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">seems even I don’t understand. This struggle</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">in me and I fear that my reactions to these</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">ability to cope and your ability to understand</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">will improve as I share my feelings with you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I want you to understand.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">You may describe me this way: obsessed,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and cynical. These aren't very admirable</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">traits; no wonder your understanding of my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">this way: confused, rushed and impatient,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">unsettled.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My Infertility makes me feel confused. I</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">always assumed I was fertile. I spent years</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">that I can’t conceive.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"> Surely if I try harder, try longer, try</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">better and smarter, I will have another baby.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel rushed and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">impatient. I learned of my infertility only</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">after I’d been trying to become pregnant for</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">schedule. I waited to become a parent and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">now I must wait again.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I wait for medical appointments, wait for</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">tests, wait for treatments, wait for other</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">treatments, wait for my period not to</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">come, wait for my partner not to be out of</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">have only twelve opportunities each year.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">How old will I be when I finish having my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">family?</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel afraid.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">frightened because I need some definite</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">answers. How long will this last? What if</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m never able to have another? What humiliation </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">must </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">drugs I take to help me, make me feel</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">worse? Why can’t my body do the things</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">that my mind wants it to do? Why do I</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">afraid of my undependable body and afraid</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">of my future.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel isolated and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">alone. Reminders of babies are</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">everywhere. I must be the only one</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">enduring this invisible curse. I stay away</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">from others, because everything makes me</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I find myself being lured by superstitions</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and promises, I think I’m losing</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ll survive this, even though I know I'm not, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and that I will.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel guilty and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">is a medical problem and should be treated</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and I feel like a failure.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Why am I being punished? What did I do</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">to deserve this? Am I not worthy of another baby?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">partner want to remain with me? Is this the</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">end of my family lineage? Will my family</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">self-confidence </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and feel ashamed.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel angry.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything makes me angry, and I know</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">at my body because it has betrayed me even</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">thought I've tried to takecare of it. I’m</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">angry at my partner because we can’t seem</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">to feel the same about infertility at the same</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">time. I want and need an advocate to help</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m angry at my family because </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">though </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">they try, they just don't get it.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m angry at my medical</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">caregivers, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">because it seems that they control</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and sometimes forget who I am. How can I</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">impress on them how important this is</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">to me?</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"> Finally, I’m angry at everyone</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">else. Everyone has opinions about my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">inability to become pregnant. Everyone has</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">easy solutions. Everyone seems to know</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">too little and say too much.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My Infertility makes me feel sad and</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost a part of</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, lucida grande, arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">my </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">future, and no one knows of my sadness. I</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">marriage under so much strain. I’m sad</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m sad that I've ignored any</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">friendships because this struggle hurts so</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">much and demands so much energy.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">surrounded by babies, pregnant women,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">and much </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">more. I feel so sad and hopeless.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">life is on hold. Making decisions about my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">immediate and my long-term future seems</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">impossible. I can’t decide about education,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">career, purchasing a home, pursuing a</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">hobby, getting a pet, vacations, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">or</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"> house-guests. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">The more I struggle </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">with my infertility, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">the less control I have.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">This struggle has no timetable; the</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">treatments have no guarantees. The only</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">sure things are that I need to be near my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">partner at fertile times and near my doctor</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">at treatment times. Should I pursue</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">adoption? Should I continue to take the drugs?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Should I pursue more specialized and costly</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">medical intervention? It feels unsettling to</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ll survive. I’m learning to listen to my</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">body and be assertive, not aggressive, about</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">my needs. I'm learning once again to </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">not let this journey run my life.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">trying to be more than an infertile person.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #462947; font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">And PS: I wish that I was able to adequately explain that just because I have a child already, doesn't make the desire for more children go away, just like the desire for more children doesn't go away from someone who does not struggle with infertility. Secondary infertility adds in all these feelings, plus the feelings of the child you do have asking for a sibling and worrying about them being socially "normal" as an only child. You also worry that God is keeping you from having more children because you aren't a good mom to the one you have. That's the one that will rip your heart in two and runs through primary infertility and secondary infertility, the thought that you can't get pregnant because God doesn't want you to have a baby. That goes to your very core.</span>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-24395912750606339142012-08-24T21:43:00.002-05:002012-08-25T01:22:16.240-05:00Peace that passes understandingToday I was asked something that threw me a bit. A friend asked "So your faith must be pretty broken, huh? How can you even believe in your God anymore after all that you've been through the last two years?"<br />
<br />
I was startled by her question for a second. I told her this:<br />
<br />
Is my faith shaken, yes. Is it broken, never. These past 2 years have been rough, really rough. My family has had a lot to deal with packed into a short span of time. But, that doesn't mean I don't believe or trust God anymore. It's just the opposite. My faith now is stronger than it has ever been.<br />
<br />
She told me that she was impressed by my courage and that I was a real inspiration to others and asked me to pray with her.<br />
<br />
I'm not trying to be an inspiration, and it certainly doesn't feel like I'm being courageous.<br />
<br />
But the whole conversation got me thinking about things.<br />
<br />
I don't know how people can go through life's hardships without Christ. People turn away from Him in times of sorrow, but for me, that's when I need him the most and I run to him. I wouldn't be able to handle these things without the strength that He gives me.<br />
<br />
And while I'm sad, I know that it is ok to be. My faith tells me that it is ok to grieve and morn. But it also tells me that those feelings will pass. I'm filled with sadness and anger right now, but I'm also filled with a hope and a peace and a love that I know will never leave. The bible talks about a "Peace that passes all understanding" and that's what I have. I will never understand why bad things happen, but I KNOW that God has a plan for me and things will work out. I'm confident that I will see all of the babies I have carried in my womb one day, and they will recognize me and run to me!!<br />
<br />
So, while I'm not trying to inspire anyone, I'm glad if I have. Maybe this was God's plan all along. Perhaps he's using me and what I've gone through to show others that He will provide no matter what. I've never been one to stand up and testify for the Lord much. Maybe this is my testimony. Maybe God is using me in this way for a better purpose. If so, I'm glad. If my life can shine for him so that others can see it in me, then I've done the best that I can.<br />
<br />
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-57449676688787544022012-08-13T18:41:00.002-05:002012-08-13T18:41:39.089-05:00Thankful through the tears<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I haven't blogged in so long. Yet, I find myself being pulled back here. My mind and my heart are a jumbled mess right now. The fact that my body has failed me again hurts beyond what I can say. The fact that 3 eggs implanted and that at one point I was actually pregnant with triplets blows my mind! We knew about 2 in the beginning, and that the second was being reabsorbed. It wasn't until things started to go bad that we learned about the 3rd. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">I'm thankful for so many things today, in spite of all that is going on. I'm thankful that they were able to save my ovary. I'm thankful that I have amazing doctors who look out for what is best for me, and are willing to do what it takes in regards to my fertility. But mostly, I'm thankful that we had that ultrasound last Tuesday. It seriously saved my life. Had I not had it, I would have eventually started hurting and bleeding. U/s would have shown a baby with no hb and they would have just let me miscarry. Doc says that they probably wouldn't even have checked my ovaries, and even then, it may have been to late. He told me that he gave it 5-9 days before my ovary ruptured and caused internal bleeding. It blows my mind. So, while I am sad, I'm grateful.</span></span></span></span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Don;t get me wrong, I'm angry too. And I think that's ok. I'm angry with my body...I feel like it failed me again. I'm angry with myself...I can't help but feel like it is somehow my fault. I'm angry at the world...all this just feels like an injustice to me. Why is it so hard for me? Why, when I do everything right like the doctors say, does everything go so wrong? Why can these crackheads and teenagers who have no business being a mom, why can they get pregnant so easily, and manage to stay pregnant? It's not fair, and I'm pissed off about it.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">I'm also thankful for the amazing family of friends we have here. It's no secret that I'm not the biggest fan of San Antonio. However, our friends here have gone above and beyond for us these past few days. People welcomed Noah into their homes so that Cody was able to be with me during the scary appointments and the surgery. Families are bringing us meals, so that we have one less thing to worry about right now. Friends have stopped by to check on me, texted to say they are thinking of us, and people all over the world have been praying for my little family. I can't say thank you enough. We're beyond blessed to call you all our friends. We love you.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">To my babies: </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">Mommy loves you and will never ever forget you. I know you all are up there with your sibling who we lost before you. Please watch over us. We'll meet you all some day. I love you.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 17px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">~KK</span></span>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-91954668354842765872012-02-27T18:35:00.003-06:002012-02-27T18:47:54.046-06:00Back to life<span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">Well, I (finally!) had my neurology appointment today. It went better than I expected. </span></span><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><br /></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">I'm thankful that I have an amazing neurologist who </span>doesn't<span style="font-size: 100%;"> push me in the wrong (for me) direction.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">The best news of the days was this: No back surgery!!! At least, not for now.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">She was very responsive to the fact that we'll be going back to the fertility clinic soon, and was wonderful about offering treatments that I can continue while pregnant.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">She is concerned with not only the amount of pain, but also the burning. Mainly because they involve two </span>different<span style="font-size: 100%;"> parts of the spine. So, another MRI was ordered. She is fairly positive that the disc did in fact slip. </span>She's<span style="font-size: 100%;"> just worried that my spinal issues may have gotten worse since the last MRI a year ago.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">She put me on Tramadol for the pain in my back for now. I can't take this while pregnant, but if I do get pregnant and the pain gets worse, she's willing to put me on straight morphine, like I was while I was pregnant with Noah.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">She gave me a lidocane patch for the burning in my thigh. BTW, these patches feel WEIRD! I'll be able to use these while I'm pregnant if I need to, so that's a relief.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">After the MRI comes the scary (for me) part. I'll be getting shots in my back. A mixture of </span>cortisone<span style="font-size: 100%;">, lidocane, and </span>something<span style="font-size: 100%;"> else I don't remember. She said that she wants to "stack" these and that I'll be getting them more often than normal once they get the MRI results. The reasoning for this is she is hoping to build up the amount of the </span>steroid<span style="font-size: 100%;"> in my system so that I don't have as many issues when I do become pregnant.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">So, that's the plan for now. We'll know more after the MRI and I get go see pain </span>management<span style="font-size: 100%;">.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">I'm so thankful that my doctor is willing to work with me on this, and be patient and understanding about us wanting another child. The last neurologist told me I should forget about it, since it would only make things worse. This doc is helping to manage it as best we can until we can have a more </span>permanent<span style="font-size: 100%;"> solution.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">And i'm thankful that Cody is so loving and </span>understanding<span style="font-size: 100%;"> through all this. I know that on days when it's really bad, and i can't get out of bed, I can't be fun to be around. I'm so thankful that if all of this does have to happen, at least it's while he's home and not deployed! And I'm thankful that Noah is such a good nurse! He's always checking on me and bringing me snacks. :)</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">For being in so much pain, I'm a pretty lucky gal!</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-30975206794371452392012-02-15T11:36:00.003-06:002012-02-15T11:42:22.781-06:00Interview with Noah, 6 months later<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); ">Interview with Noah, age 4<br /><br />Favorite Food...............................: Noodles<br />Favorite Book...............................: Power Rangers<br />Favorote TV Show............................: Power Rangers<br />Favorite Movie..............................: Power Rangers (I'm detecting a trend)<br />Favorite Color..............................: Green and Red and Black<br />Favorite Friend.............................: Katelyn<br />Favorite Place to go........................: School<br />Favorite Thing to do........................: Play Beyblades<br />Favorite Toy................................: Beyblades<br />Favorite Clothes............................: The ones that I wear<br />Who is your best friend.....................: Katelyn<br />Who is Mommy's best friend..................: Abby<br />Who is Daddy's best friend..................: Poppy<br />Do you have a girlfriend....................: NOOO!!!<br />What do you love to do......................: Play Beyblades<br />What's your favorite snack..................: Popsicles<br />What's mommy's favorite snack...............: A lollipop<br />What's Mom's favorite thing to watch on TV..: Commercials<br />What song do you love to sing...............: Power Rangers<br />What makes you happy........................: Playing Beyblades<br />What makes you sad..........................: fighting<br />Are you scared of anything..................: No, I'm brave!<br />If so, What & why...........................:<br />Is mom or Dad scared of anything............: No, because I protect you.<br />Who do you love.............................: Katelyn<br />Who loves you...............................: Katelyn</span>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-27145661247190137162012-02-14T21:39:00.003-06:002012-02-14T21:49:46.319-06:00Holding Out & Holding OnIs it May yet?<br /><br />I'm ready for it to be. At least, I think I am.<br /><br />May. The month when it all starts again. The month when I can call up my fertility doctor, and say, we're ready! <br /><br />Are we really? Am I really? Am I ready to be poked and prodded? To inject myself with powerful drugs that make me, for lack of a better term, a psycho dragon lady? Am I ready to put my body through all of this again? I think so. I hope so. Because I know that I will.<br /><br />I'm hopeful right now. I'm hopeful that it won't take that many rounds of treatments and procedures to get pregnant (Let's hope for 1!!). I'm hopeful that my body will be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I am hopeful for what the future may bring.<br /><br />I am confident right now too. I am confident that my doctors will choose the right plan of action for me. I am confident that once I become pregnant, my doctors will do everything within their power to make sure I stay that way. But most of all, I am confident that God has a plan for my family. And I know that part of that plan is to see my family grow. I can feel it somehow.<br /><br />Psalm 27:14 tells us:<br />Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart. And wait for the Lord.<br /><br />That's just what I'll do. I'll wait for May, and I'll wait for the Lord. I'll continue to pray that the timing is right, and that I'll be shown a miracle.KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-51690738683073072912012-01-25T14:35:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:23:19.627-06:00uh...hello 2012.Wow. Where has the time gone? The last blog I posted was back in August. So much has happened since then. Noah started school, we tried (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant again, my sister came for a great visit, new babies were born, and lives were lost. Noah turned 4....and so much more.<br /><br />But now here we are. 2012. Wow. I continue to pray that this year is easier on us than 2011 was. And hopefully I'll be better about blogging more too. It really is something I enjoy.<br /><br />So far, we have a few plans for this year. In May, we'll go back to the fertility clinic and start that process again. I'm excited about it, and yet nervous at the same time. That's to be expected I suppose. My sister is getting married in July, so we'll be going to Colorado for that. I'm so excited!!! And hopefully, maybe someday, we'll actually get orders to a new base.<br /><br />So, that's our life in a nutshell right now. So, I'll leave you with a "heard in my house":<br /><br />Noah was telling me about a dream he had:<br /><br />"Mom, I was the director, and I said "ready, set, action." Then Dodo just took off. But, I had to yell "Cut!" Because she was running like Abby with a firebutt."<br /><br />Not sure what a firebutt is, or where he comes up with this stuff, but it sure cracks me up!KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-56332717934485858822011-08-13T16:54:00.003-05:002012-02-14T22:22:39.065-06:00stream of consciousnessWhat a roller coaster ride the last year has been. This time last year we knew that Cody had been injured during his deployment and we were anxiously awaiting word that he was headed home. Since then, he's come home, Noah turned 3, we've gotten pregnant with twins, we lost the twins, Cody had surgery on his shoulder to repair the deployment injuries, we've battled my numbers game with the molar pregnancy, made some new friends, and even taken a few vacations.<br /><br />Through it all, we've managed to hold on to each other. I think it's the only way we've made it through. As we approach what would have been the twins due date, September 16th, I find myself slipping into a funk. I'm moody, emotional, and some days just plain awful to be around. But thankfully, my family and my closest friends really seem to understand, and can forgive my less than pleasant demeanor. And, while I will never forget the loss of the twins, or how it has shaped my life, I feel positive that I am starting to let go of the bad feelings, at least some of them.<br /><br />Yesterday, I got a call for my fertility doctor. She was calling with my blood work results. First, let me say that I am so happy that I only have to get bloodwork once a month now instead of weekly!!! My numbers looked good once again. When I had spoken with Dr. Adams last month we had talked about the possibility of me going back to the fertility clinic earlier than planned because Cody is set to deploy yet again. She wanted to talk to the oncologist and get his opinion.<br /><br />This month when she called she told me that the oncologist was adamant that we wait the 6 months. However, once I explained the situation and my fears to her, she agreed to help us out. As long as my numbers are good in September and October, she will clear us to start trying in October!!! I am beyond thrilled! We'll go back on the fertility drugs in October, and if that doesn't work, we'll have an IUI in November. I am so happy because that gives us a few months to try before Cody leaves for the big sandbox.<br /><br />Once she told me that we would get the go-ahead in October, my whole outlook on things changed. I'm happy again. I want this more than anything. I will forever miss the twins, and they will never be replaced, but at the same time, I need to move on. Our family is ready for another member and I can't wait for it to happen! So for now, I'll just continue to remain positive. I know that my bloodwork will look excellent again in September and October, and I am certain that I will be pregnant before Christmas. I know God has it in his plans for me. And all I need to do is trust in him.<br /><br />Thank you to my little sister for sharing her favorite verse with me a few nights ago. I know it means so much to her, and now I feel the meaning as well.<br /><br />"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-41093669879645935762011-08-11T18:47:00.004-05:002012-02-14T22:21:44.759-06:00Heard in my houseMe: Noah, what do yellow and blue make?<br />Noah: Green.<br />Me: What about red and yellow?<br />Noah: Orange.<br />Me: Great job buddy!<br />Noah: Thanks. Hey Mom, what about blue and green?<br />Me: Aquamarine.<br />Noah: How about green and yellow?<br />Me: Chartreuse<br />Noah: What about green and red?<br />Me: Um, I really don't know what green and red make Bud.<br />Noah: Duh, green and red make Christmas silly!KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-65278700044704676812011-06-08T20:23:00.003-05:002012-02-14T22:21:14.862-06:00Interview with a vampire...er, Noah.A friend of mine does this with her kiddos, and I thought it would be fun to see what Noah says.<br /><br />Interview with Noah, age 3.5<br /><br />Favorite Food...............................: Pancakes<br />Favorite Book...............................: The Cat in the Hat<br />Favorote TV Show............................: The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That.<br />Favorite Movie..............................: Super Friends<br />Favorite Color..............................: Green and Red<br />Favorite Friend.............................: Gabe and Jonah and Aubrey<br />Favorite Place to go........................: Target<br />Favorite Thing to do........................: Play Ironman<br />Favorite Toy................................: Buzz Lightyear and a Basketball<br />Favorite Clothes............................: Stipped ones<br />Who is your best friend.....................: Gabe<br />Who is Mommy's best friend..................: Me<br />Who is Daddy's best friend..................: Me<br />Do you have a girlfriend....................: Yep. Aubrey, Cameron and Katarina<br />What do you love to do......................: Play games<br />What's your favorite snack..................: Popsicles<br />What's mommy's favorite snack...............: Crunchy Corn<br />What's Mom's favorite thing to watch on TV..: Shows<br />What song do you love to sing...............: Row row row your boat<br />What makes you happy........................: A tomato<br />What makes you sad..........................: I can't know<br />Are you scared of anything..................: Yeah<br />If so, What & why...........................: A fox, because I am<br />Is mom or Dad scared of anything............: yep, a bouncy carrot<br />Who do you love.............................: You<br />Who loves you...............................: DaddyKKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-71016739059362078362011-06-05T22:07:00.003-05:002012-02-14T22:20:51.602-06:00Blogging FAIL!March 6th.<br /><br />That was the last time I blogged. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, or that I haven't had the time to blog. Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't blog. I think maybe I've been avoiding it.<br /><br />Coming on here, and typing things out to put them out into the universe just makes them seem more real to me. It means I have to deal with things. Really deal with them deep down and not just brush them off the surface like I am so good at doing.<br /><br />So, let's back up to March and I'll give you a super quick over view of what has transpired.<br /><br />March:<br />My mom (Abby) and my sister (Dodo) came to visit.<br />We went to my cousins wedding in Austin.<br />Noah flew back to Colorado with them.<br /><br />April:<br />Mr. I had surgery on his shoulder to repair an injury he had sustained during his most recent deployment.<br />Meta is still in Colorado<br /><br />May:<br />Cody goes back to work.<br />Cody and I drive to Colorado to go get Noah.<br />We had a great time in Colorado for 2 weeks, then we all drove back to the inferno we call home.<br /><br />Ok, so those are some highlights and now your caught up....sort of.<br /><br />All this time I have been dealing with, or trying to deal with, the loss of the twins. For some reason this loss seems so much more difficult than the others. Due to it being a molar pregnancy, I have to go in for weekly blood work to get my HCG levels checked. If they go back up, I would need chemo. Well, my numbers have been all over the place. One week they look great, and the next week they are back up. I need them to be at 0.0 for 3 weeks before I can start doing the blood work monthly instead of weekly. This has been going on since the beginning of Feb., and I still don't have 3 weeks of 0.0. So, I continue to go every week. I'm sure you can see how this could be frustrating. It feels like every week I have to relive the night the twins were taken from me. It opens up the same wounds over and over again. I can't help but think thaat I should be 25 weeks pregnant right now. With a big round belly full of twins. I wonder if they were boys or girls? What would we have named them? What would they have looked like? I know it does me no good to play the what if game, and all I'm really doing is torturing myself, but it's hard not to. I know that this was a molar pregnancy and not my fault, but sometimes I wonder "What if I had done x, y, or z differently? Then what?" Who knows. All I do know is that I want to be pregnant so badly and that is not possible right now. It may not be possible at all. I have to wait until I have at least 6 months of 0.0 HCG before they will give me the go-ahead, but there is fear that there may be too much damage to what little cervix I had left to be able to support another pregnancy, even with a cerclauge. Then what? I just don't know right now.<br /><br />So, that's where I'm at right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Because maybe, just maybe, if I ignored some of these things that I've been feeling, they would go away. That's obviously not the case. In fact, it has made things worse, and brought back the anxiety issues that had been at bay for a few years now. Guess I should call my doc about that one before it gets out of control.<br /><br />So, to those of you who have been keeping up with me through this whole ordeal: Thank you for loving me and supporting me through these rough times. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around some days. I love you all for sticking by me.<br /><br /><br />And, so I don't leave you on a sad note, here are some things Heard in My House lately:<br /><br />Me: Noah, what does a cow say?<br />Noah: Moooo<br />Me: What does a sheep say?<br />Noah: Baaaa<br />Me: What does a horse say?<br />Noah: Giddy up, Cowboy!<br /><br /><br />Noah: "Mom, if poop starts coming out of my mouth, we've got a big problem."<br />Me: "Uh yeah buddy, I think you're right, that would be a problem."<br /><br />Noah: (in his car seat grunting)<br />Me: What are you doing?<br />Noah: "Trying to make coins come out of my butt like Mario."KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-86777301905339731352011-03-06T19:55:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:19:44.960-06:00Heard in my houseNoah loves singing. Today he was singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". His lyrics are pretty awesome. Enjoy:<br /><br />"Row, row, row, your boat<br />Gently drown the steam.<br />Marry, marry marry, marry,<br />Life goes down the drain."KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-68482725523687123282011-03-02T15:34:00.004-06:002012-02-14T22:19:34.262-06:00The best dayToday started like any other day. It was really pretty ordinary. Little did I know that it would turn out to be extraordinary!<br /><br />Noah woke up right around 7am, which is a little early for him, but not too bad. He then proceeded to eat 3 yogurts, a bowl of cereal, and some peanut butter toast.<br /><br />We hung out, did a little bit of school work and watched some cartoons. Then at about 10am we had to run over to main base because Cody forgot his new insurance card. That would not be a good thing...to get pulled over on base and not have your insurance card! So, we took it to him just in case.<br /><br />Then we decided to head to the zoo. It wasn't something we had planned or that I had really even thought about. He asked if we could go, and since we have passes, I said sure. After a quick stop at Sonic, we were on our way!<br /><br />We got there and it was pretty packed. I didn't realize that today was field trip day, and that every 3rd grader within 100 miles would be there! But I figured what the heck.<br /><br />We walked around, and looked at most of the animals, and spent a good bit of time in the tot-spot. We saw my favorite animal, the Okapi, and Noah's, the Elephant. We saw waaaay more of the male elephant than I really wanted to! lmao. We made our rounds through the tiger, lions, and bears (OH MY!). And after about 4 hours we left. We got on the train that runs around the zoo and the park and ate some popcorn, and then we left.<br /><br />Noah crashed in the car after about 2 miles, cheeseburger in hand. :) Now we're home and he's playing with his trains.<br /><br />Now, I know all of this seems pretty ordinary and you may be asking why I thought it was such a great day. Well, it just was. And I didn't even have my camera to show you why.<br /><br />Noah listened pretty well (for a 3 year old). I didn't have to argue with him (too much). And we both had a blast just being with each other. I know we spend all day every day together, but this was different. And it wasn't even about getting out of the house. Those that know me know that Noah and I are rarely home all day. But for some reason, today just meant so much more.<br /><br />We were both so happy. We had so much fun. I loved today. Now, who knows how the rest of the night will go, so I'm going to hold on to the joy he and I shared all afternoon. I really needed it!<br /><br />So, thanks Noah! I had the best day with you today!KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-28450711080995044602011-02-22T19:07:00.004-06:002012-02-14T22:18:41.737-06:0057 DaysThis blog has been coming for a while, but it has been hard for me to write. I have started it, and had to walk away a few times. Please bear with me if it seems jumbled. <div><br /></div><div>I have delayed posting this blog for a few reasons, but mainly because putting it out there into the blog-o-sphere makes things seem more real, and I just wasn't ready for that.</div><div><br /></div><div>57 days.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was pregnant for 57 wonderful days.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was pregnant with twins for 57 wonderful days.</div><div><br /></div><div>I went in for a regular follow up ultrasound on Jan 28th (I had one about a week earlier where they saw that it was twins, but it was too early to see much else.) I was 6w5d along. I was feeling great. No real morning sickness to speak of, full of energy, This pregnancy was the total opposite of Meta. </div><div><br /></div><div>The tech has me lay down on the bed and we start the ultrasound. We did an external first, followed by a trans-vaginal, which I have come to expect. But something wasn't right. She kept looking and looking, moving the probe around to get a better angle. Finally she told us that she was going to go get the doctor to look at a few things and she left the room. Once she walked out, I lost it. Cody kept telling me that it was fine and I was over reacting. I told him, "No, the tech doesn't get the doc unless there is a problem." </div><div><br /></div><div>The doc came in, looked at the screen and said to me, "at 6w5d we expect to see certain things and we're just not seeing them, including a heart beat. I'm sorry." He told me to call the OB clinic and go see them on Friday (This was a Wednesday.)</div><div><br /></div><div>We go home from the hospital devastated and unsure of what was to come. </div><div><br /></div><div>Friday morning I went in early for labs and then went to my appointment alone. (Cody stayed home with Noah) The OB docs said my numbers looked great and they did another ultrasound. They still couldn't see much and they said that maybe I was just much earlier in my pregnancy than we thought; or maybe it was a molar pregnancy. They sent me home and told me to come back for more labs and another ultrasound on Tuesday morning.</div><div><br /></div><div>That whole weekend is a bit of a blur. It was a mix of highs and lows. We were feeling super optimistic more minute, and heartbroken the next.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tuesday morning rolls around and I go back to the hospital. Again, my numbers look great, but the ultrasound still doesn't look right. You could see two well developed sacks, and you could see that they had collapsed in on themselves, another sign of a molar pregnancy. They scheduled me for a D&E (similar to a D&C) for Monday morning Feb 7th. They told me if I started bleeding to go to the ER immediately because the risk of hemorrhaging is so high in molar pregnancies.</div><div><br /></div><div>Friday night I start bleeding. No cramping really, just an uncomfortable feeling. I go in to the ER as instructed and they decide to do an emergency D&E that night. Cody came to the hospital, and my neighbor was already their with me. Her husband stayed with Noah that night. We got the paperwork done, and I was prepped for surgery.</div><div><br /></div><div>At 3:07am my babies were taken from me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I now have to have lab work done every Friday and I have to be seen by the OB docs every 2 weeks until my hormone levels are at zero and remain that way for four weeks. </div><div><br /></div><div>The pathology report came back this past Friday. The pregnancy was in fact molar. Each baby had 69 pairs of chromosomes. They were identical twins. Turns out that 2 sperm fertilized the egg at exactly the same time, and that is why there were so many sets of chromosomes. Our twins were doomed from the start. The doc asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the twins, but I said no. I'm just not sure that I could handle it. </div><div><br /></div><div>We have to wait roughly 6 months before the docs will give us the OK to try again. I'm more than fine with that. To tell the truth, I am not sure if I'll even be ready then. For some reason, this time is so much harder than the miscarriage I had before I had Noah. I think the fact that it was twins again makes it hurt that much worse.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am slowly trying to deal with things, and am healing, in my own time. It is hard some days. Especially when Noah asks about the babies. I am extremely thankful for my friends and family who have loved me and guided me through all of this. And of course, Cody. Poor man....my hormones are going crazy and probably will for the next few months, and yet, he continues to love me through it all. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have left a lot of things out, both for brevity and for privacy, but that is basically what happened in a nut shell. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you for reading this, and letting me get it off my chest and put it out into the universe. I feel like a little bit of the weight has been lifted, and I am thankful for that. </div><div><br /></div><div>And, while I will never get over the loss of the twins, I am coming to terms with it slowly. I am positive that things will start to look up soon, and that in the end, everything happens according to God's plan.</div><div><br /></div><div>Baby A and Baby B,</div><div>I miss you and I love you. The 57 days I carried you were some of the best days of my life. I promise to never forget you, and to think of you both often. I'll see you in heaven some day. Take care of each other until then.</div><div>Love, </div>Mommy *2/4/11* <div><br /></div><div>Thank you again to those of you who have lifted my family up in prayer, helped us, supported us, and loved us through all of this. It means more to me than I can ever say. I love each and every one of you.</div><div><br /></div><div>God Bless,</div><div>KK </div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-8313359980305698222011-01-23T21:21:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:17:10.476-06:00rational fearsI believe that everyone in this world has fears, and that those fears can be either rational or irrational. At what is rational to you, may not be to me, and vise-versa.<div><br /></div><div>For example:</div><div>I see a clown, and think "fun time at the circus". Cody's brother sees one and nearly wets his pants. To me, this is an irrational fear, but it makes sense to him.</div><div><br /></div><div>On the other hand, I believe that some fears are strictly rational, regardless of who has them. I am having a few of those right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>I FEAR that I may lose this baby, because of a previous loss.</div><div><br /></div><div>I FEAR that I will have postpartum depression severely because I did after Noah.</div><div><br /></div><div>I FEAR that Noah will feel left out and unloved once Sprout comes along because I have seen it happen with other children.</div><div><br /></div><div>I FEAR that my body will not be able to handle this pregnancy and I will be placed on long term bed-rest because that happened last time.</div><div><br /></div><div>But most of all, I FEAR that I will not be mother enough, or have enough love for two children, because I am not sure that I can love anyone else the way I love Noah.</div><div><br /></div><div>That last fear may not be rational to some of you, but it is something that has been in my head and on my heart of the last few days. I don't understand how mothers of more than one do it. I guess I'll figure it out in the end.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until next time, don't let your fears, rational or other-wise, get the best of you,</div><div>KK</div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-4832677893614190332011-01-16T21:35:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:16:35.129-06:00Heard in my houseNoah: Hey Mom, guess what?<div><br /></div><div>Me: What?</div><div><br /></div><div>Noah: I can spell anything.</div><div><br /></div><div>Me: You can?</div><div><br /></div><div>Noah: Yep! I sure can. Want to see?</div><div><br /></div><div>Me: Sure Buddy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Noah: Abbra Cadabra! Hocus Pocus! Magic words! Presto!</div><div><br /></div><div>At this point there was a moment of silence because I really had no words.</div><div><br /></div><div>Noah: See Mom! I told you I am a great speller!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Me: Yep. I guess you are.</div><div><br /></div><div>:)</div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-23841413487659656012011-01-11T16:41:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:16:12.461-06:00Insert foot in mouth and closeWow, it's been a few days since I last posted, thanks to a lack of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Internet</span> at my house right now. (Stupid AT&T!) So, I'm sitting at the base library to bring this to you all:<br /><br />Remember a few days ago when I was feeling so down? <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Remember</span> how I thought nothing was going right or <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">according</span> to plan? Remember that? I do, and now I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">can't</span> help but laugh at myself.<br /><br />Why, you ask......<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Because</span> I'm pregnant!!!! I am so excited. I was just testing too early and I let it mess with my head. I thought for sure that I would never be able to do it without the help of the fertility doctors. All I could see was a long hard road ahead of me.<br /><br />Well, now I see a different road. It will still be hard, but not as long. In fact, the journey should end around September 16, 2011. I can't believe I'm going to have a September baby. Who am I kidding?!?! I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">can't</span> believe I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">goi</span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ng</span> to have a baby!! I am beyond thrilled!<br /><br />Now, as some of you know, I am a very high risk patient. For those that don't know, I'll break it down for you:<br />1. I had a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">miscarriage</span> prior to getting pregnant with Noah.<br />2. I went into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">pre</span>-term labor with Meta at 16 weeks.<br />3. They then placed an emergency <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">cerclauge</span> (where they sew your cervix shut.)<br />4. After having 1 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">cerclauge</span>, you will have to have one with any subsequent pregnancies.<br />5. I had weight loss surgery.<br /><br />So, those are the reasons I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">considered</span> high risk. They will place my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">cerclauge</span> sometime around 12 weeks. As of right now, I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">can't</span> get in for my OB orientation until 8 Feb, but I am going to continue to call to see if someone has cancelled and I can get in sooner. After the orientation, I will be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine. I will most likely be seen on a pretty much weekly basis like I was with Noah.<br /><br />If you are my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">FB</span> friend, you already knew all of this, so I'm sorry to bore you. :P<br />If not, then you're all caught up!<br /><br />Oh, and if you're wondering what Noah thinks of the whole thing, well, let's just say he's jealous. Not of the fact that there will be a new baby. He's mad because he wants a baby in his belly too! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Lol</span>, I love that little guy!<br /><br />I'll be posting often about the sprout, and let you all know how it's going. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">But</span> I promise to try to not let it consume my blog!<br /><br />Until next time,<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Preggo</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">KK</span>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-30868742639105225102011-01-05T23:21:00.004-06:002012-02-14T22:15:33.034-06:00stream of consciousnessToday is a strange day for me. It seems like a day of contradictions. A day of inner battles; I'm not sure which side is winning and I'm left with more questions than answers. Ever have those days?<div><br /></div><div>Today I am battling myself, and all my inner <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">demons</span>. I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">battling</span> the negativity that I get from the world and from myself. I am trying my hardest to gain an advantage on the enemy, but it seems as though I am fighting an uphill battle. How is it possible to feel so many things at the same time, and have those feelings contradict each other? Am I normal?</div><div> </div><div>For <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">instance</span>:</div><div><br /></div><div>How can Noah drive me crazy, and yet make me want another one every time I look at him?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I get a negative pregnancy test today and feel <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ok</span> about it one minute, and then angry the next?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I continue to get negative pregnancy tests (throughout the years) and still go on? And if I don't get pregnant, is that unfair to Noah?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I say that if I need to I will go through all the fertility treatments again, when even speaking those words scares me?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I live in a house so full of laughter and still feel lonely sometimes?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I be so desperate to get off of this base, and yet terrified of the thought of leaving?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I be so full of love and still not like myself sometimes?</div><div><br /></div><div>Am I selfish for wanting another baby, even knowing how hard it may be on my body; or is it natural?</div><div><br /></div><div>How is it possible to be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can I continue to battle like this with myself when I know that no one really wins, and that Cody and Noah are the ones who lose in the end. I hate for them to see me like this.</div><div><br /></div><div>Is it normal to have so many jumbled up feelings like this? I am not sure. I am hoping that putting them out into the blog-o-sphere will help me a little bit. This is my first real attempt and unedited posting...just letting the words stream out of my head. So, I'm sorry if it seems discombobulated or confusing...imagine how it sounds in my brain! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">lol</span>. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not sure if anyone will read this all the way through, but if you do...thanks for "listening" and letting me get a few things off of my chest and out of my head. Maybe this will help me sleep tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>On a much much lighter note....this is for my military wife friends. The language may be a tad offensive to some, I didn't find it that bad. And of course it is an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">exaggeration</span>, but it made me smile. I can't take credit for this. I just found it on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Youtube</span>. Enjoy!</div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">KK</span></div><div><br /></div><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LnNuW5vV__g?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LnNuW5vV__g?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-15803310459734072112011-01-04T00:55:00.003-06:002012-02-14T22:14:55.204-06:00I WANT!!"I want!" How many times a day do we say this? Or our children? Now that I have a toddler, every time I hear the word "want" it's like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to "I want" less. Instead, I am trying to say "I would like..." It just sounds so much nicer. But for all the niceties, there are a few things in this life that I do truly <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span>. (Aside from world peace, but who doesn't want that?)<div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> Cody to not have to deploy for at least 12 months.</div><div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> Dodo to be able to finish school without some of the stresses she has had.</div><div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> Abbey's foot to be better.</div><div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> to feel happy and secure all of the time. (working on that one)</div><div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> to give Noah a sibling.</div><div><br /></div><div>I <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span> to see Bentley more than I do.</div><div><br /></div><div>Those are my "want's" in this life...at least for right now. Are they too much to ask...I don't really know. But I do know that everyone has wants, and needs, and that sometimes we confuse those with "would like to have's". At least I have this blog to help me see things the way they are and put my life back in to perspective. It could always be worse. So, I'll take what I can get.</div><div><br /></div><div>What would you like?</div><div>What do you <span class="Apple-style-span">WANT</span>?</div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-39929091930584874082011-01-02T22:40:00.005-06:002012-02-14T22:14:12.998-06:00Not Me MondayToday is the day that I blog about all the things that I "didn't" do in the past 7 days.<div><br /></div><div>I did NOT totally forget to take something out for dinner tonight, and I most certainly did NOT decide to go the easy route and pick up pizza! Not me!</div><div><br /></div><div>I did NOT make Noah sleep on the top bunk after peeing in the bottom bunk rather than putting new sheets on. (Don't worry I am washing the pee ones!)</div><div><br /></div><div>I did NOT forget to wash the conditioner out of my hair a few days ago, therefor I did NOT look like I mopped up an oil spill! </div><div><br /></div><div>I did NOT have a super good time at the mall today with Keylia, and I did NOT spend too much money getting my nails done, so I do NOT feel a little more girly tonight.</div><div><br /></div><div>And finally, my heart does NOT ache every time I hold Geraint. And it certainly does NOT make me want another child.</div><div><br /></div><div>What did you not do this week?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>UPDATE:</b></div><div>I most certainly did NOT post this a day early because I did NOT think today was Monday even though it is in fact Sunday.</div>KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-56959206392675134462011-01-01T22:26:00.004-06:002012-02-14T22:13:29.244-06:00Heard in my houseMe to Noah: Who's the best Noah in the whole world?<br /><br />Noah: Me!<br /><br />Me: Who's the best mommy in the whole world?<br /><br />Noah: You!<br /><br />Me: Who's the best daddy in the whole world?<br /><br />Noah: The Hulk!<br /><br />Man, I love that kid! :)KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-31927477552210457852010-12-29T15:44:00.006-06:002012-02-14T22:13:05.963-06:00SometimesSometimes I get mad. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I intentionally hurt others feelings. Sometimes I swear. Sometimes I swear a lot. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that Mr. I gets to go to work while I am a stay at home mom. Sometimes I ignore when my phone rings. Sometimes I put on a fake smile because I know that it is what the world wants to see. Sometimes I am so happy. Sometimes I love my life just the way it is. Sometimes I am desperate for some sort of change. Sometimes I leave Meta here with Mr. I for no reason other than I need a break. Sometimes I wonder if trying for a second child is really the right thing to be doing. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself off from the rest of the world for a while. Sometimes I wish Meta came with a mute button. Sometimes I wonder if Meta's bad behavior is simply him being a toddler, or if it is something I am doing wrong. Sometimes I doubt my ability as a mother. Sometimes I wish I had a "real" job. Sometimes I couldn't imagine doing anything else in the world but what I am doing right now. Sometimes I dream of being stationed overseas. Sometimes the thought of living so far away from everyone I love (besides C & N) terrifies me. Sometimes I eat so that I don't have to focus on the issues that are really bothering me. Sometimes I wish for another deployment. Sometimes I hate this military life. Sometimes I love being an Air Force wife. Sometimes I look at Noah and wonder how it is possible to love someone so much. Sometimes I am afraid I may pull my hair out if I have to repeat myself one more time. Sometimes I am a poor example of God's love and mercy. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I am not the wife I want to be. Sometimes I look at my cluttered little house and think who cares. Sometimes that same clutter will cause me to have an anxiety attack. Sometimes I have to take a step back and be brutally honest about myself, with myself, and with you. This was one of those times.KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-88217677230267307152010-12-27T20:16:00.004-06:002012-02-14T22:12:35.900-06:00Not me! MondayI did NOT let me child run around outside with no shoes wearing his Buzz lightyear pajamas that are too small, but that he loves so much! Not me!<br /><br />I am NOT a little bit happy that Cody has to go back to work tomorrow for 3 days, because we are NOT starting to drive each other a little crazy. Not me!<br /><br />I did NOT make my family eat a super early dinner at 4pm because I was NOT starving. Not me!<br /><br />I did NOT sleep most of the day away only to grumble about housework that didn't get done by me. I would never do that! Not me!<br /><br />I did NOT forget to call to reschedule my physical therapy appointment until it was too late to change. Not me!<br /><br />I did NOT call my little sister while we were at B-Dubs just to rub it in because I know how much she loves it. Not me! That would just be rude.<br /><br />I did NOT actually get along with my brother in law really well Christmas day. Not me.<br /><br />And I most defiantly did NOT stay up until nearly 4 in the morning looking for a blog layout because I was bored with my old one. Nope, not me!!!<br /><br />What did you NOT do this week?KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918224293166343553.post-9290829526770233612010-12-22T22:22:00.005-06:002013-02-03T16:12:38.040-06:00Heard in my houseor my car, actually...<br />
<br />
Noah: I want to watch Boltron when we get home.<br />
<br />
Me: Noah, say Volton.<br />
<br />
Noah: Boltron<br />
<br />
Me: No, Vvvv, Vvvv, Voltron<br />
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Noah: Vvv, Vvvv, BOLTRON!!!<br />
<br />
Me: You know your letter sounds. What does V say?<br />
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Noah: Nothing. V is a yetter, and yetters don't talk!KKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11591462921988436289noreply@blogger.com2