Our never ending journey

Back to life

2012-02-27T18:35:00.003-06:00

Well, I (finally!) had my neurology appointment today. It went better than I expected.

I'm thankful that I have an amazing neurologist who doesn't push me in the wrong (for me) direction.

The best news of the days was this: No back surgery!!! At least, not for now.

She was very responsive to the fact that we'll be going back to the fertility clinic soon, and was wonderful about offering treatments that I can continue while pregnant.

She is concerned with not only the amount of pain, but also the burning. Mainly because they involve two different parts of the spine. So, another MRI was ordered. She is fairly positive that the disc did in fact slip. She's just worried that my spinal issues may have gotten worse since the last MRI a year ago.

She put me on Tramadol for the pain in my back for now. I can't take this while pregnant, but if I do get pregnant and the pain gets worse, she's willing to put me on straight morphine, like I was while I was pregnant with Noah.

She gave me a lidocane patch for the burning in my thigh. BTW, these patches feel WEIRD! I'll be able to use these while I'm pregnant if I need to, so that's a relief.

After the MRI comes the scary (for me) part. I'll be getting shots in my back. A mixture of cortisone, lidocane, and something else I don't remember. She said that she wants to "stack" these and that I'll be getting them more often than normal once they get the MRI results. The reasoning for this is she is hoping to build up the amount of the steroid in my system so that I don't have as many issues when I do become pregnant.

So, that's the plan for now. We'll know more after the MRI and I get go see pain management.

I'm so thankful that my doctor is willing to work with me on this, and be patient and understanding about us wanting another child. The last neurologist told me I should forget about it, since it would only make things worse. This doc is helping to manage it as best we can until we can have a more permanent solution.

And i'm thankful that Cody is so loving and understanding through all this. I know that on days when it's really bad, and i can't get out of bed, I can't be fun to be around. I'm so thankful that if all of this does have to happen, at least it's while he's home and not deployed! And I'm thankful that Noah is such a good nurse! He's always checking on me and bringing me snacks. :)

For being in so much pain, I'm a pretty lucky gal!

Interview with Noah, 6 months later

2012-02-15T11:36:00.003-06:00

Interview with Noah, age 4

Favorite Food...............................: Noodles
Favorite Book...............................: Power Rangers
Favorote TV Show............................: Power Rangers
Favorite Movie..............................: Power Rangers (I'm detecting a trend)
Favorite Color..............................: Green and Red and Black
Favorite Friend.............................: Katelyn
Favorite Place to go........................: School
Favorite Thing to do........................: Play Beyblades
Favorite Toy................................: Beyblades
Favorite Clothes............................: The ones that I wear
Who is your best friend.....................: Katelyn
Who is Mommy's best friend..................: Abby
Who is Daddy's best friend..................: Poppy
Do you have a girlfriend....................: NOOO!!!
What do you love to do......................: Play Beyblades
What's your favorite snack..................: Popsicles
What's mommy's favorite snack...............: A lollipop
What's Mom's favorite thing to watch on TV..: Commercials
What song do you love to sing...............: Power Rangers
What makes you happy........................: Playing Beyblades
What makes you sad..........................: fighting
Are you scared of anything..................: No, I'm brave!
If so, What & why...........................:
Is mom or Dad scared of anything............: No, because I protect you.
Who do you love.............................: Katelyn
Who loves you...............................: Katelyn

Holding Out & Holding On

2012-02-14T21:39:00.003-06:00

Is it May yet?

I'm ready for it to be. At least, I think I am.

May. The month when it all starts again. The month when I can call up my fertility doctor, and say, we're ready!

Are we really? Am I really? Am I ready to be poked and prodded? To inject myself with powerful drugs that make me, for lack of a better term, a psycho dragon lady? Am I ready to put my body through all of this again? I think so. I hope so. Because I know that I will.

I'm hopeful right now. I'm hopeful that it won't take that many rounds of treatments and procedures to get pregnant (Let's hope for 1!!). I'm hopeful that my body will be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I am hopeful for what the future may bring.

I am confident right now too. I am confident that my doctors will choose the right plan of action for me. I am confident that once I become pregnant, my doctors will do everything within their power to make sure I stay that way. But most of all, I am confident that God has a plan for my family. And I know that part of that plan is to see my family grow. I can feel it somehow.

Psalm 27:14 tells us:
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart. And wait for the Lord.

That's just what I'll do. I'll wait for May, and I'll wait for the Lord. I'll continue to pray that the timing is right, and that I'll be shown a miracle.

uh...hello 2012.

2012-01-25T14:35:00.003-06:00

Wow. Where has the time gone? The last blog I posted was back in August. So much has happened since then. Noah started school, we tried (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant again, my sister came for a great visit, new babies were born, and lives were lost. Noah turned 4....and so much more.

But now here we are. 2012. Wow. I continue to pray that this year is easier on us than 2011 was. And hopefully I'll be better about blogging more too. It really is something I enjoy.

So far, we have a few plans for this year. In May, we'll go back to the fertility clinic and start that process again. I'm excited about it, and yet nervous at the same time. That's to be expected I suppose. My sister is getting married in July, so we'll be going to Colorado for that. I'm so excited!!! And hopefully, maybe someday, we'll actually get orders to a new base.

So, that's our life in a nutshell right now. So, I'll leave you with a "heard in my house":

Noah was telling me about a dream he had:

"Mom, I was the director, and I said "ready, set, action." Then Dodo just took off. But, I had to yell "Cut!" Because she was running like Abby with a firebutt."

Not sure what a firebutt is, or where he comes up with this stuff, but it sure cracks me up!

stream of consciousness

2011-08-13T16:54:00.003-05:00

What a roller coaster ride the last year has been. This time last year we knew that Cody had been injured during his deployment and we were anxiously awaiting word that he was headed home. Since then, he's come home, Noah turned 3, we've gotten pregnant with twins, we lost the twins, Cody had surgery on his shoulder to repair the deployment injuries, we've battled my numbers game with the molar pregnancy, made some new friends, and even taken a few vacations.

Through it all, we've managed to hold on to each other. I think it's the only way we've made it through. As we approach what would have been the twins due date, September 16th, I find myself slipping into a funk. I'm moody, emotional, and some days just plain awful to be around. But thankfully, my family and my closest friends really seem to understand, and can forgive my less than pleasant demeanor. And, while I will never forget the loss of the twins, or how it has shaped my life, I feel positive that I am starting to let go of the bad feelings, at least some of them.

Yesterday, I got a call for my fertility doctor. She was calling with my blood work results. First, let me say that I am so happy that I only have to get bloodwork once a month now instead of weekly!!! My numbers looked good once again. When I had spoken with Dr. Adams last month we had talked about the possibility of me going back to the fertility clinic earlier than planned because Cody is set to deploy yet again. She wanted to talk to the oncologist and get his opinion.

This month when she called she told me that the oncologist was adamant that we wait the 6 months. However, once I explained the situation and my fears to her, she agreed to help us out. As long as my numbers are good in September and October, she will clear us to start trying in October!!! I am beyond thrilled! We'll go back on the fertility drugs in October, and if that doesn't work, we'll have an IUI in November. I am so happy because that gives us a few months to try before Cody leaves for the big sandbox.

Once she told me that we would get the go-ahead in October, my whole outlook on things changed. I'm happy again. I want this more than anything. I will forever miss the twins, and they will never be replaced, but at the same time, I need to move on. Our family is ready for another member and I can't wait for it to happen! So for now, I'll just continue to remain positive. I know that my bloodwork will look excellent again in September and October, and I am certain that I will be pregnant before Christmas. I know God has it in his plans for me. And all I need to do is trust in him.

Thank you to my little sister for sharing her favorite verse with me a few nights ago. I know it means so much to her, and now I feel the meaning as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Heard in my house

2011-08-11T18:47:00.004-05:00

Me: Noah, what do yellow and blue make?
Noah: Green.
Me: What about red and yellow?
Noah: Orange.
Me: Great job buddy!
Noah: Thanks. Hey Mom, what about blue and green?
Me: Aquamarine.
Noah: How about green and yellow?
Me: Chartreuse
Noah: What about green and red?
Me: Um, I really don't know what green and red make Bud.
Noah: Duh, green and red make Christmas silly!

Interview with a vampire...er, Noah.

2011-06-08T20:23:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine does this with her kiddos, and I thought it would be fun to see what Noah says.

Interview with Noah, age 3.5

Favorite Food...............................: Pancakes
Favorite Book...............................: The Cat in the Hat
Favorote TV Show............................: The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That.
Favorite Movie..............................: Super Friends
Favorite Color..............................: Green and Red
Favorite Friend.............................: Gabe and Jonah and Aubrey
Favorite Place to go........................: Target
Favorite Thing to do........................: Play Ironman
Favorite Toy................................: Buzz Lightyear and a Basketball
Favorite Clothes............................: Stipped ones
Who is your best friend.....................: Gabe
Who is Mommy's best friend..................: Me
Who is Daddy's best friend..................: Me
Do you have a girlfriend....................: Yep. Aubrey, Cameron and Katarina
What do you love to do......................: Play games
What's your favorite snack..................: Popsicles
What's mommy's favorite snack...............: Crunchy Corn
What's Mom's favorite thing to watch on TV..: Shows
What song do you love to sing...............: Row row row your boat
What makes you happy........................: A tomato
What makes you sad..........................: I can't know
Are you scared of anything..................: Yeah
If so, What & why...........................: A fox, because I am
Is mom or Dad scared of anything............: yep, a bouncy carrot
Who do you love.............................: You
Who loves you...............................: Daddy

Blogging FAIL!

2011-06-05T22:07:00.003-05:00

March 6th.

That was the last time I blogged. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, or that I haven't had the time to blog. Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't blog. I think maybe I've been avoiding it.

Coming on here, and typing things out to put them out into the universe just makes them seem more real to me. It means I have to deal with things. Really deal with them deep down and not just brush them off the surface like I am so good at doing.

So, let's back up to March and I'll give you a super quick over view of what has transpired.

March:
My mom (Abby) and my sister (Dodo) came to visit.
We went to my cousins wedding in Austin.
Noah flew back to Colorado with them.

April:
Mr. I had surgery on his shoulder to repair an injury he had sustained during his most recent deployment.
Meta is still in Colorado

May:
Cody goes back to work.
Cody and I drive to Colorado to go get Noah.
We had a great time in Colorado for 2 weeks, then we all drove back to the inferno we call home.

Ok, so those are some highlights and now your caught up....sort of.

All this time I have been dealing with, or trying to deal with, the loss of the twins. For some reason this loss seems so much more difficult than the others. Due to it being a molar pregnancy, I have to go in for weekly blood work to get my HCG levels checked. If they go back up, I would need chemo. Well, my numbers have been all over the place. One week they look great, and the next week they are back up. I need them to be at 0.0 for 3 weeks before I can start doing the blood work monthly instead of weekly. This has been going on since the beginning of Feb., and I still don't have 3 weeks of 0.0. So, I continue to go every week. I'm sure you can see how this could be frustrating. It feels like every week I have to relive the night the twins were taken from me. It opens up the same wounds over and over again. I can't help but think thaat I should be 25 weeks pregnant right now. With a big round belly full of twins. I wonder if they were boys or girls? What would we have named them? What would they have looked like? I know it does me no good to play the what if game, and all I'm really doing is torturing myself, but it's hard not to. I know that this was a molar pregnancy and not my fault, but sometimes I wonder "What if I had done x, y, or z differently? Then what?" Who knows. All I do know is that I want to be pregnant so badly and that is not possible right now. It may not be possible at all. I have to wait until I have at least 6 months of 0.0 HCG before they will give me the go-ahead, but there is fear that there may be too much damage to what little cervix I had left to be able to support another pregnancy, even with a cerclauge. Then what? I just don't know right now.

So, that's where I'm at right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Because maybe, just maybe, if I ignored some of these things that I've been feeling, they would go away. That's obviously not the case. In fact, it has made things worse, and brought back the anxiety issues that had been at bay for a few years now. Guess I should call my doc about that one before it gets out of control.

So, to those of you who have been keeping up with me through this whole ordeal: Thank you for loving me and supporting me through these rough times. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around some days. I love you all for sticking by me.

And, so I don't leave you on a sad note, here are some things Heard in My House lately:

Me: Noah, what does a cow say?
Noah: Moooo
Me: What does a sheep say?
Noah: Baaaa
Me: What does a horse say?
Noah: Giddy up, Cowboy!

Noah: "Mom, if poop starts coming out of my mouth, we've got a big problem."
Me: "Uh yeah buddy, I think you're right, that would be a problem."

Noah: (in his car seat grunting)
Me: What are you doing?
Noah: "Trying to make coins come out of my butt like Mario."

Heard in my house

2011-03-06T19:55:00.003-06:00

Noah loves singing. Today he was singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". His lyrics are pretty awesome. Enjoy:

"Row, row, row, your boat
Gently drown the steam.
Marry, marry marry, marry,
Life goes down the drain."

The best day

2011-03-02T15:34:00.004-06:00

Today started like any other day. It was really pretty ordinary. Little did I know that it would turn out to be extraordinary!

Noah woke up right around 7am, which is a little early for him, but not too bad. He then proceeded to eat 3 yogurts, a bowl of cereal, and some peanut butter toast.

We hung out, did a little bit of school work and watched some cartoons. Then at about 10am we had to run over to main base because Cody forgot his new insurance card. That would not be a good thing...to get pulled over on base and not have your insurance card! So, we took it to him just in case.

Then we decided to head to the zoo. It wasn't something we had planned or that I had really even thought about. He asked if we could go, and since we have passes, I said sure. After a quick stop at Sonic, we were on our way!

We got there and it was pretty packed. I didn't realize that today was field trip day, and that every 3rd grader within 100 miles would be there! But I figured what the heck.

We walked around, and looked at most of the animals, and spent a good bit of time in the tot-spot. We saw my favorite animal, the Okapi, and Noah's, the Elephant. We saw waaaay more of the male elephant than I really wanted to! lmao. We made our rounds through the tiger, lions, and bears (OH MY!). And after about 4 hours we left. We got on the train that runs around the zoo and the park and ate some popcorn, and then we left.

Noah crashed in the car after about 2 miles, cheeseburger in hand. :) Now we're home and he's playing with his trains.

Now, I know all of this seems pretty ordinary and you may be asking why I thought it was such a great day. Well, it just was. And I didn't even have my camera to show you why.

Noah listened pretty well (for a 3 year old). I didn't have to argue with him (too much). And we both had a blast just being with each other. I know we spend all day every day together, but this was different. And it wasn't even about getting out of the house. Those that know me know that Noah and I are rarely home all day. But for some reason, today just meant so much more.

We were both so happy. We had so much fun. I loved today. Now, who knows how the rest of the night will go, so I'm going to hold on to the joy he and I shared all afternoon. I really needed it!

So, thanks Noah! I had the best day with you today!

57 Days

2011-02-22T19:07:00.004-06:00

This blog has been coming for a while, but it has been hard for me to write. I have started it, and had to walk away a few times. Please bear with me if it seems jumbled.

I have delayed posting this blog for a few reasons, but mainly because putting it out there into the blog-o-sphere makes things seem more real, and I just wasn't ready for that.

57 days.

I was pregnant for 57 wonderful days.

I was pregnant with twins for 57 wonderful days.

I went in for a regular follow up ultrasound on Jan 28th (I had one about a week earlier where they saw that it was twins, but it was too early to see much else.) I was 6w5d along. I was feeling great. No real morning sickness to speak of, full of energy, This pregnancy was the total opposite of Meta.

The tech has me lay down on the bed and we start the ultrasound. We did an external first, followed by a trans-vaginal, which I have come to expect. But something wasn't right. She kept looking and looking, moving the probe around to get a better angle. Finally she told us that she was going to go get the doctor to look at a few things and she left the room. Once she walked out, I lost it. Cody kept telling me that it was fine and I was over reacting. I told him, "No, the tech doesn't get the doc unless there is a problem."

The doc came in, looked at the screen and said to me, "at 6w5d we expect to see certain things and we're just not seeing them, including a heart beat. I'm sorry." He told me to call the OB clinic and go see them on Friday (This was a Wednesday.)

We go home from the hospital devastated and unsure of what was to come.

Friday morning I went in early for labs and then went to my appointment alone. (Cody stayed home with Noah) The OB docs said my numbers looked great and they did another ultrasound. They still couldn't see much and they said that maybe I was just much earlier in my pregnancy than we thought; or maybe it was a molar pregnancy. They sent me home and told me to come back for more labs and another ultrasound on Tuesday morning.

That whole weekend is a bit of a blur. It was a mix of highs and lows. We were feeling super optimistic more minute, and heartbroken the next.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I go back to the hospital. Again, my numbers look great, but the ultrasound still doesn't look right. You could see two well developed sacks, and you could see that they had collapsed in on themselves, another sign of a molar pregnancy. They scheduled me for a D&E (similar to a D&C) for Monday morning Feb 7th. They told me if I started bleeding to go to the ER immediately because the risk of hemorrhaging is so high in molar pregnancies.

Friday night I start bleeding. No cramping really, just an uncomfortable feeling. I go in to the ER as instructed and they decide to do an emergency D&E that night. Cody came to the hospital, and my neighbor was already their with me. Her husband stayed with Noah that night. We got the paperwork done, and I was prepped for surgery.

At 3:07am my babies were taken from me.

I now have to have lab work done every Friday and I have to be seen by the OB docs every 2 weeks until my hormone levels are at zero and remain that way for four weeks.

The pathology report came back this past Friday. The pregnancy was in fact molar. Each baby had 69 pairs of chromosomes. They were identical twins. Turns out that 2 sperm fertilized the egg at exactly the same time, and that is why there were so many sets of chromosomes. Our twins were doomed from the start. The doc asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the twins, but I said no. I'm just not sure that I could handle it.

We have to wait roughly 6 months before the docs will give us the OK to try again. I'm more than fine with that. To tell the truth, I am not sure if I'll even be ready then. For some reason, this time is so much harder than the miscarriage I had before I had Noah. I think the fact that it was twins again makes it hurt that much worse.

I am slowly trying to deal with things, and am healing, in my own time. It is hard some days. Especially when Noah asks about the babies. I am extremely thankful for my friends and family who have loved me and guided me through all of this. And of course, Cody. Poor man....my hormones are going crazy and probably will for the next few months, and yet, he continues to love me through it all.

I have left a lot of things out, both for brevity and for privacy, but that is basically what happened in a nut shell.

Thank you for reading this, and letting me get it off my chest and put it out into the universe. I feel like a little bit of the weight has been lifted, and I am thankful for that.

And, while I will never get over the loss of the twins, I am coming to terms with it slowly. I am positive that things will start to look up soon, and that in the end, everything happens according to God's plan.

Baby A and Baby B,

I miss you and I love you. The 57 days I carried you were some of the best days of my life. I promise to never forget you, and to think of you both often. I'll see you in heaven some day. Take care of each other until then.

Love,

Mommy *2/4/11*

Thank you again to those of you who have lifted my family up in prayer, helped us, supported us, and loved us through all of this. It means more to me than I can ever say. I love each and every one of you.

God Bless,

rational fears

2011-01-23T21:21:00.003-06:00

I believe that everyone in this world has fears, and that those fears can be either rational or irrational. At what is rational to you, may not be to me, and vise-versa.

For example:

I see a clown, and think "fun time at the circus". Cody's brother sees one and nearly wets his pants. To me, this is an irrational fear, but it makes sense to him.

On the other hand, I believe that some fears are strictly rational, regardless of who has them. I am having a few of those right now.

I FEAR that I may lose this baby, because of a previous loss.

I FEAR that I will have postpartum depression severely because I did after Noah.

I FEAR that Noah will feel left out and unloved once Sprout comes along because I have seen it happen with other children.

I FEAR that my body will not be able to handle this pregnancy and I will be placed on long term bed-rest because that happened last time.

But most of all, I FEAR that I will not be mother enough, or have enough love for two children, because I am not sure that I can love anyone else the way I love Noah.

That last fear may not be rational to some of you, but it is something that has been in my head and on my heart of the last few days. I don't understand how mothers of more than one do it. I guess I'll figure it out in the end.

Until next time, don't let your fears, rational or other-wise, get the best of you,

Heard in my house

2011-01-16T21:35:00.003-06:00

Noah: Hey Mom, guess what?

Me: What?

Noah: I can spell anything.

Me: You can?

Noah: Yep! I sure can. Want to see?

Me: Sure Buddy.

Noah: Abbra Cadabra! Hocus Pocus! Magic words! Presto!

At this point there was a moment of silence because I really had no words.

Noah: See Mom! I told you I am a great speller!!

Me: Yep. I guess you are.

Insert foot in mouth and close

2011-01-11T16:41:00.003-06:00

Wow, it's been a few days since I last posted, thanks to a lack of Internet at my house right now. (Stupid AT&T!) So, I'm sitting at the base library to bring this to you all:

Remember a few days ago when I was feeling so down? Remember how I thought nothing was going right or according to plan? Remember that? I do, and now I can't help but laugh at myself.

Why, you ask......

Because I'm pregnant!!!! I am so excited. I was just testing too early and I let it mess with my head. I thought for sure that I would never be able to do it without the help of the fertility doctors. All I could see was a long hard road ahead of me.

Well, now I see a different road. It will still be hard, but not as long. In fact, the journey should end around September 16, 2011. I can't believe I'm going to have a September baby. Who am I kidding?!?! I can't believe I'm going to have a baby!! I am beyond thrilled!

Now, as some of you know, I am a very high risk patient. For those that don't know, I'll break it down for you:
1. I had a miscarriage prior to getting pregnant with Noah.
2. I went into pre-term labor with Meta at 16 weeks.
3. They then placed an emergency cerclauge (where they sew your cervix shut.)
4. After having 1 cerclauge, you will have to have one with any subsequent pregnancies.
5. I had weight loss surgery.

So, those are the reasons I am considered high risk. They will place my cerclauge sometime around 12 weeks. As of right now, I can't get in for my OB orientation until 8 Feb, but I am going to continue to call to see if someone has cancelled and I can get in sooner. After the orientation, I will be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine. I will most likely be seen on a pretty much weekly basis like I was with Noah.

If you are my FB friend, you already knew all of this, so I'm sorry to bore you. :P
If not, then you're all caught up!

Oh, and if you're wondering what Noah thinks of the whole thing, well, let's just say he's jealous. Not of the fact that there will be a new baby. He's mad because he wants a baby in his belly too! Lol, I love that little guy!

I'll be posting often about the sprout, and let you all know how it's going. But I promise to try to not let it consume my blog!

Until next time,
Preggo KK

stream of consciousness

2011-01-05T23:21:00.004-06:00

Today is a strange day for me. It seems like a day of contradictions. A day of inner battles; I'm not sure which side is winning and I'm left with more questions than answers. Ever have those days?

Today I am battling myself, and all my inner demons. I'm battling the negativity that I get from the world and from myself. I am trying my hardest to gain an advantage on the enemy, but it seems as though I am fighting an uphill battle. How is it possible to feel so many things at the same time, and have those feelings contradict each other? Am I normal?

For instance:

How can Noah drive me crazy, and yet make me want another one every time I look at him?

How can I get a negative pregnancy test today and feel ok about it one minute, and then angry the next?

How can I continue to get negative pregnancy tests (throughout the years) and still go on? And if I don't get pregnant, is that unfair to Noah?

How can I say that if I need to I will go through all the fertility treatments again, when even speaking those words scares me?

How can I live in a house so full of laughter and still feel lonely sometimes?

How can I be so desperate to get off of this base, and yet terrified of the thought of leaving?

How can I be so full of love and still not like myself sometimes?

Am I selfish for wanting another baby, even knowing how hard it may be on my body; or is it natural?

How is it possible to be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time?

How can I continue to battle like this with myself when I know that no one really wins, and that Cody and Noah are the ones who lose in the end. I hate for them to see me like this.

Is it normal to have so many jumbled up feelings like this? I am not sure. I am hoping that putting them out into the blog-o-sphere will help me a little bit. This is my first real attempt and unedited posting...just letting the words stream out of my head. So, I'm sorry if it seems discombobulated or confusing...imagine how it sounds in my brain! lol.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this all the way through, but if you do...thanks for "listening" and letting me get a few things off of my chest and out of my head. Maybe this will help me sleep tonight.

On a much much lighter note....this is for my military wife friends. The language may be a tad offensive to some, I didn't find it that bad. And of course it is an exaggeration, but it made me smile. I can't take credit for this. I just found it on Youtube. Enjoy!

I WANT!!

2011-01-04T00:55:00.003-06:00

"I want!" How many times a day do we say this? Or our children? Now that I have a toddler, every time I hear the word "want" it's like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to "I want" less. Instead, I am trying to say "I would like..." It just sounds so much nicer. But for all the niceties, there are a few things in this life that I do truly WANT. (Aside from world peace, but who doesn't want that?)

I WANT Cody to not have to deploy for at least 12 months.

I WANT Dodo to be able to finish school without some of the stresses she has had.

I WANT Abbey's foot to be better.

I WANT to feel happy and secure all of the time. (working on that one)

I WANT to give Noah a sibling.

I WANT to see Bentley more than I do.

Those are my "want's" in this life...at least for right now. Are they too much to ask...I don't really know. But I do know that everyone has wants, and needs, and that sometimes we confuse those with "would like to have's". At least I have this blog to help me see things the way they are and put my life back in to perspective. It could always be worse. So, I'll take what I can get.

What would you like?

What do you WANT?

Not Me Monday

2011-01-02T22:40:00.005-06:00

Today is the day that I blog about all the things that I "didn't" do in the past 7 days.

I did NOT totally forget to take something out for dinner tonight, and I most certainly did NOT decide to go the easy route and pick up pizza! Not me!

I did NOT make Noah sleep on the top bunk after peeing in the bottom bunk rather than putting new sheets on. (Don't worry I am washing the pee ones!)

I did NOT forget to wash the conditioner out of my hair a few days ago, therefor I did NOT look like I mopped up an oil spill!

I did NOT have a super good time at the mall today with Keylia, and I did NOT spend too much money getting my nails done, so I do NOT feel a little more girly tonight.

And finally, my heart does NOT ache every time I hold Geraint. And it certainly does NOT make me want another child.

What did you not do this week?

UPDATE:

I most certainly did NOT post this a day early because I did NOT think today was Monday even though it is in fact Sunday.

Heard in my house

2011-01-01T22:26:00.004-06:00

Me to Noah: Who's the best Noah in the whole world?

Noah: Me!

Me: Who's the best mommy in the whole world?

Noah: You!

Me: Who's the best daddy in the whole world?

Noah: The Hulk!

Man, I love that kid! :)

Sometimes

2010-12-29T15:44:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I intentionally hurt others feelings. Sometimes I swear. Sometimes I swear a lot. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that Mr. I gets to go to work while I am a stay at home mom. Sometimes I ignore when my phone rings. Sometimes I put on a fake smile because I know that it is what the world wants to see. Sometimes I am so happy. Sometimes I love my life just the way it is. Sometimes I am desperate for some sort of change. Sometimes I leave Meta here with Mr. I for no reason other than I need a break. Sometimes I wonder if trying for a second child is really the right thing to be doing. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself off from the rest of the world for a while. Sometimes I wish Meta came with a mute button. Sometimes I wonder if Meta's bad behavior is simply him being a toddler, or if it is something I am doing wrong. Sometimes I doubt my ability as a mother. Sometimes I wish I had a "real" job. Sometimes I couldn't imagine doing anything else in the world but what I am doing right now. Sometimes I dream of being stationed overseas. Sometimes the thought of living so far away from everyone I love (besides C & N) terrifies me. Sometimes I eat so that I don't have to focus on the issues that are really bothering me. Sometimes I wish for another deployment. Sometimes I hate this military life. Sometimes I love being an Air Force wife. Sometimes I look at Noah and wonder how it is possible to love someone so much. Sometimes I am afraid I may pull my hair out if I have to repeat myself one more time. Sometimes I am a poor example of God's love and mercy. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I am not the wife I want to be. Sometimes I look at my cluttered little house and think who cares. Sometimes that same clutter will cause me to have an anxiety attack. Sometimes I have to take a step back and be brutally honest about myself, with myself, and with you. This was one of those times.

Not me! Monday

2010-12-27T20:16:00.004-06:00

I did NOT let me child run around outside with no shoes wearing his Buzz lightyear pajamas that are too small, but that he loves so much! Not me!

I am NOT a little bit happy that Cody has to go back to work tomorrow for 3 days, because we are NOT starting to drive each other a little crazy. Not me!

I did NOT make my family eat a super early dinner at 4pm because I was NOT starving. Not me!

I did NOT sleep most of the day away only to grumble about housework that didn't get done by me. I would never do that! Not me!

I did NOT forget to call to reschedule my physical therapy appointment until it was too late to change. Not me!

I did NOT call my little sister while we were at B-Dubs just to rub it in because I know how much she loves it. Not me! That would just be rude.

I did NOT actually get along with my brother in law really well Christmas day. Not me.

And I most defiantly did NOT stay up until nearly 4 in the morning looking for a blog layout because I was bored with my old one. Nope, not me!!!

What did you NOT do this week?

Heard in my house

2010-12-22T22:22:00.005-06:00

or my car, actually...

Noah: I want to watch Boltron when we get home.

Me: Noah, say Volton.

Noah: Boltron

Me: No, Vvvv, Vvvv, Voltron

Noah: BOLTRON!!!

Me: You know your letter sounds. What does V say?

Noah: Nothing. V is a yetter, and yetters don't talk!

Reality: 1 KK: 0

2010-12-19T23:29:00.005-06:00

:sigh:
Today was tough. It wasn't supposed to be. We didn't really have anything planned. It was just going to be a family day: hanging out, being lazy and relaxing. That all changed when I couldn't find Noah's 3t pants (his 2ts are getting too short). I told Cody that I knew we had a bunch somewhere and that maybe I put them in the garage when I packed up all of my clothes that are too big now. well, Cody translated that into: "it's time to go through all of the clothes and get rid of stuff." Not what I had in mind, but I decided to go with it.

He brought in more bags than I really thought our little garage could hold. We pulled all the clothes out, both mine and Noah's, and started going through them. We had a keep pile, a sell pile and a trash pile for things that were just too messed up to even give away. We sat there going through all of the things, most of which were Noah's. We were having a good time, laughing, and reminiscing about Noah's infant stage. Then it happened...

I came across the hat that Noah wore in the hospital right after he was born. And suddenly, is was as if I was hit in the face by a ton of bricks. I kept thinking to myself, "Look at this hat. It's so tiny." It was hard to believe that Noah's big coconut ever fit into a hat that small. And then other thoughts started to creep up. Good ones first. Like: "I can't wait to have another tiny head to put this one. I wonder what he or she will look like? I hope that (s)he looks like me and acts like Cody this time, since Noah is the other way around!"

And then, like it always does, the darkness came back. "What if I can't get pregnant again? It was so hard last time. Should we even bother trying? And even if I do get pregnant, which I probably won't, then how hard will it be this time? Last time was so difficult. What if I am on bed rest like that again? I can't do that to Noah. But, it doesn't really matter anyway, since it probably won't happen." Then I got emotional and shut down for most of the day.

I am not sure why I let myself think these thoughts. It isn't something I can really control I guess. But they are my honest thoughts and fears. The fact that we are even contemplating trying again terrifies me. But, the thought of not trying makes my heart hurt.

I know I shouldn't complain about my infertility issues, and I try not to. I mean, at least we have Noah. That, in and of itself, is a huge blessing and a miracle. I know if I had to, I could be happy with just one child, but that's not what I want. And then there is always there fear of getting pregnant again, and it being multiples because of the fertility treatments. How on Earth would I be able to handle that? Noah is bad enough on his own some days. I couldn't imagine having 2 or 3 of him at the same time!

I guess, in the end, what I learned from today is this: While I may not be as ready as I thought I was to go through this whole process again, I'm not ready to not do it either. I kind of feel like I am in emotional limbo. But, I have felt this way before. These feelings are very much like what I was feeling in 2006. And that turned out pretty good...I mean, Noah is pretty stinking cute!

So, I guess what I am saying is that even though I got a hard dose of reality today with the realization that I may not be able to get pregnant again, I'll never know if I don't try. And so I'll keep trying. Besides...the trying part can be pretty fun! ;)

grr

2010-12-17T21:43:00.003-06:00

Here's a great idea....

Let me raise my kid the way I see fit. You had your chance to raise children, and that didn't go as smoothly as you like to believe. It's my turn, and he's my kid. Back off. K? Thanks.

Dear Santa

2010-12-12T15:30:00.005-06:00

Dear Santa,

Seeing as how I've been reasonably good the past 11.5 months, I feel like maybe you owe me some stuff. So, here's what I'd like: (in order of preference)

1. A deployment free 2011
2. Two pink lines on a little white stick
3. PCS orders to get the heck out of dodge
4. To see Bumblebee more
5. For Noah to be fully potty trained (if you could magically make this happen over night, that would be best)
6. For my husband to annoy me less
7. For all the troops to come home.
8. A little fairy who does all my cleaning, and knows how to put away laundry.
9. A year's supply of Coke (the pop-not the drug)
10. A Kindle...A Nook Color would also be acceptable.

Now see Santa, I really don't think I'm asking for too much here... considering what I've put up with this year. Can't you just help me out a little?

Thanks!
KK

Oh, p.s.
If my name is on your naughty list....those damn elves lied!

And then he was 3

2010-12-10T19:05:00.005-06:00

I can't believe it. I really can't. How can my little boy be 3 already? It seems like yesterday I was getting a cercluage put in to save him, and now look where we are. He is so big, and so smart. But so darn ornery! But I love him. I love every single moment of his life. I hate that Cody has to miss so many of those great moments, but I know that his job is important.

And now here we are in mid-December. It's hard to believe that this year is almost over. In a way, I'm glad. This time last year we were staring down the barrel of another deployment, and Cody would be gone in less than a month. Now, we're staring down the barrel of shoulder surgery for him, but at least he is at home and safe. We both know that it is a very real possibility that he will deploy again in June, but we are trying not to get ahead of ourselves and worry about that now. For now we'll just continue to enjoy the time we have together.

And, I am almost a year out from my weight loss surgery!!! HOORAY! I can't believe it. I am down a total of 160lbs from my highest weight and 125 from the date of surgery. It is like a whole new me. My friends and I like to joke that I lost all 3 Jonas Brothers! :) But, in reality, this is a really hard time for me. I still don't see "Skinny KK" like all my friends do. I see "Fat KK". Maybe not as fat as I was, but still, not as small as I know I really am. Shopping for clothes blows my mind. I am smaller than the sizes that I think I should fit in. And the sizes that I do fit into look so tiny to me that it seems impossible. Some people have told me that I have lost too much weight, that I am too skinny, and that I am starting to look sick. Those words not only hurt, but they scare me. Thankfully my weight loss seems to have leveled off in the last 2 weeks or so. I am comfortable with where I am. My surgeon told me to be prepared to gain a few lbs back once my body regulates itself and I'm ok with that too. I just don't ever want to be what I was before. I am on B12 shots once a month now, for the rest of my life. Whether that is a by-product of the surgery or not, we'll never really know. But hopefully soon they will make me feel better.

In other news, I plan on talking to my surgeon in a few weeks when I go in for my 1 year post-op checkup. I am going to ask him about getting pregnant again. They said that I would have to wait until I was 12-18 months out from surgery, depending on how fast I lost my weight. Well, obviously it has all dropped off and then some. I am positive that he will give me the go ahead, since it is something we touched on in our last appointment. I am so desperate to have another child. And I won't lie...I really really want a girl. But, after all of the difficulty we had getting pregnant with Noah, (And we are expecting that this time too) I will just be happy to be able to have another baby. We will be referred to the fertility clinic, and it is usually a 6-8 month wait. And that's AFTER they know it works for you....like us. So, we're hoping that in that 6-8 month time frame we'll be able to do it on our own and won't need them when they call. But if we don't, I am ok with going back to the clinic. We had a great experience last time, even through all the heartache and sorrow that comes along with infertility. All I know is that I want a baby more than just about anything right now, and Cody is on board with doing whatever it takes to have another.

Ok, I think I am done for the night. I wish I could leave you with some witty comment or interesting life fact, but I just don't think that's gong to happen right now. So, until next time, stay positive, and keep life in perspective....at least you're not being eaten by a bear.

Peace & blessings...peace & blessings.

Long time, no blog

2010-11-29T22:16:00.004-06:00

Wow, I can't believe that it is almost December and I haven't blogged much this year. I swore I would be better about it. And I promise that I am going to try!

So much has happened this year, and it has all flown by in a blur. Mr. Incredible deployed, and came home, oh and got hurt while he was there...which equals surgery for him. Not sure when it will be, but soon. Meta will be 3 on Wednesday. It blows my mind. When did my baby turn into a big boy?

I have made some new friendship, let go of old ones, and strengthened existing ones. I have a super awesome BFF who I luff to pieces...she knows who she is. I would be lost without her and might now have made it through this last deployment in one piece. But that can be said about most of my wonderful friends.

Speaking of deployments, it looks as though we are staring down the barrel of yet another. We don't really know anything for sure right now, but if/when he does have to go, he will leave in June.

As for me, I am 10 months post-op and have lost all of my weight. I feel fantastic! I am down to roughly 125lbs, and a size 2. I am loving life. Some people tell me that I am too skinny now, but I am trying not to take it to heart. For one thing, they have only ever known fat KK, so seeing skinny KK is a bit of a shock. For another, I know that my body will regulate itself and that I will likely gain 5-10 lbs back, and I am ok with that.

We had some really great friends move away this year, as we do every year. That is one thing I hate about the military. But maybe we'll see them all again some day. We've also met some really great people. Our new neighbors are splendid, and they have a little guy who will be 2 months on Weds and I love him to pieces! I spoil him so much. He's my boyfriend, lol.

Speaking of babies...Mr. I and I have decided that it is time to add to our family! So, I am off of my birth control. We aren't "actively" trying right now, but we aren't preventing either. I really need to get the OK from my surgeon when I see him in a few weeks. But, he knows this is coming and he is happy with my weight loss, so I don't see it being a problem. We have a referral in to the fertility clinic, just in case. It take about 6 months to be seen there, as a returning patient. But we're hoping that sometime in the next 6 months we can get it done on our own and won't need the fertility docs this time. But if that's what it comes down to, we're ok with that too. Meta is going to be such a great big brother. He keeps asking for a baby sister for his birthday and he is so sweet with our neighbors baby. We both really want a girl, but we'll be happy either way.

Well, that's all I can think of right now, other than the housing issue, which I won't even get started on tonight because I'm still so upset about it. I'll save that for next weeks blog!

Until then,
Peace & blessings...Peace & blessings

1 month post-op and other stuff

2010-02-28T19:06:00.003-06:00

Well, here I am at 1 month out today. For the most part, I feel great! I have my days that I feel like junk, but those are becoming fewer and farther between. So far I have lost 42.5 lbs! I can't believe I have dropped that much in only 1 month. I should really start trying on jeans that are the next size down, but honestly, I'm a bit afraid. What if they don't fit yet? But, the jeans I am wearing now require a belt and they still nearly fall off.

I have finally been cleared to go back to the gym. I am excited about that. Oh, and the Nut said that I am getting in enough protein from food, so I don't have to drink the shakes anymore. HOORAY! I still am not able to eat much at all. Maybe 3-4oz at a time, so I try and make it all dense protein. I haven't really found anything that my stomach can't handle. I have even tried salad. My new favorite snack is grapes though. I can't seem to get enough of them.

I am still of course missing Mr. I like crazy! We talk on a pretty regular basis, which helps, but I can't wait to have him home! I am so ready for September! He seems to be doing well though.

Meta is doing great according to my mom. Although, she thinks he may have pink eye. She went in to get him out of bed this morning and one of his eyes was all goopy and shut. He said "I can't see. My eye closed. Arr, I a pirate." I cracked up when she told me that. I can't wait to see him again. It will be so nice to be in Colorado for Easter.

So, that's my 1 month in a nutshell. It is crazy how fast time has flown by already. I can't wait to see what the future holds for me and my new tummy!

Tough Day

2010-02-17T18:18:00.005-06:00

Today has been hard.

Mr. I left Kuwait for Iraq. I know they are right next door to each other, but it is such a world of difference. I am not sure when I'll be able to talk to him again. Hopefully he gets settled soon and is able to at least call.

That's not what made today so hard though. Today, I miss my baby. I mean, I talk to Meta every day, but today for some reason, it makes my heart hurt more than usual. I miss him so much. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the silly things he says and does. So, I cried today. I think today was the first major breakdown i have had about it since he left. Easter seems so far away. I know that he is there for a good reason and that he is being so well taken care of. I couldn't ask for more, but I want him home. Now, I know once he's home he'll start driving me crazy again and I'll be wishing for some alone time, lol. I guess the grass is always greener....

So, that is where my head is at today...Iraq and Colorado. I just miss my family. I guess I'll just keep taking it one day at a time for now.

My new blog

2010-02-15T01:16:00.004-06:00

I decided to start over with my blog completely. I was frustrated with the old one, and I am sick of feeling frustrated about things.

So, in this blog I will (try to) keep everyone updated on not only me, but also Noah and Cody. Who knows, I may even post about our pets, lol

So, here it is: my first offical post.

I am doing really well after the surgery. As of today I have lost 36lbs total and 28lbs since the day of surgery. No, I will not tell you what my starting weight was, or what I weigh now. Even Mr. I doesn't know that!

Speaking of Cody, he is doing as well as can be expected for being deployed. I am able to talk to him every other day or so for now. But once he reaches his final destination, communication may change. We'll just have to wait and see. Please continue to pray for his safety and his swift return home to us.

Noah seems to be thriving at my moms house. Every time I talk to him he sounds super happy. He loves my mom, who he calls Abbey, his Poppy (My step-dad) and Dodo (my little sis...don't ask!) I plan on going up to get him around Easter time unless Dodo decides to come down here for spring break, then I guess he'll just come down with her. It would be nice to spend Easter in Colorado though. And if I do drive up there I plan on stopping at Cannon AFB in New Mexico to see Alicia, Eric, Justin, Renee, and Perry. And to give Renee's baby bump a rub. :)

Not only is our friend Renee pregnant, but our friends Kate and Adam welcomed their first little boy Jude David on the 5th of Feb. And my best friend Robyn and her husband Shaun welcomed Dean Kenneth on Jan 10th. They are both amazingly adorable. I could almost say I have baby fever again. It's a good thing Cody isn't here right now seeing as how we have to wait a good bit of time after surgery before even trying to get pregnant again, lol

Well, that is our life these days. We have a lot going on, but it seems pretty boring most of the time. I will do my best to keep this blog updated so that you all have some sort of idea of how things are going. For now, I'm going to go to bed and hope that Mr. I is able to call soon.

Love to you all,
KK