22 February 2011

57 Days

This blog has been coming for a while, but it has been hard for me to write. I have started it, and had to walk away a few times. Please bear with me if it seems jumbled.

I have delayed posting this blog for a few reasons, but mainly because putting it out there into the blog-o-sphere makes things seem more real, and I just wasn't ready for that.

57 days.

I was pregnant for 57 wonderful days.

I was pregnant with twins for 57 wonderful days.

I went in for a regular follow up ultrasound on Jan 28th (I had one about a week earlier where they saw that it was twins, but it was too early to see much else.) I was 6w5d along. I was feeling great. No real morning sickness to speak of, full of energy, This pregnancy was the total opposite of Meta.

The tech has me lay down on the bed and we start the ultrasound. We did an external first, followed by a trans-vaginal, which I have come to expect. But something wasn't right. She kept looking and looking, moving the probe around to get a better angle. Finally she told us that she was going to go get the doctor to look at a few things and she left the room. Once she walked out, I lost it. Cody kept telling me that it was fine and I was over reacting. I told him, "No, the tech doesn't get the doc unless there is a problem."

The doc came in, looked at the screen and said to me, "at 6w5d we expect to see certain things and we're just not seeing them, including a heart beat. I'm sorry." He told me to call the OB clinic and go see them on Friday (This was a Wednesday.)

We go home from the hospital devastated and unsure of what was to come.

Friday morning I went in early for labs and then went to my appointment alone. (Cody stayed home with Noah) The OB docs said my numbers looked great and they did another ultrasound. They still couldn't see much and they said that maybe I was just much earlier in my pregnancy than we thought; or maybe it was a molar pregnancy. They sent me home and told me to come back for more labs and another ultrasound on Tuesday morning.

That whole weekend is a bit of a blur. It was a mix of highs and lows. We were feeling super optimistic more minute, and heartbroken the next.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I go back to the hospital. Again, my numbers look great, but the ultrasound still doesn't look right. You could see two well developed sacks, and you could see that they had collapsed in on themselves, another sign of a molar pregnancy. They scheduled me for a D&E (similar to a D&C) for Monday morning Feb 7th. They told me if I started bleeding to go to the ER immediately because the risk of hemorrhaging is so high in molar pregnancies.

Friday night I start bleeding. No cramping really, just an uncomfortable feeling. I go in to the ER as instructed and they decide to do an emergency D&E that night. Cody came to the hospital, and my neighbor was already their with me. Her husband stayed with Noah that night. We got the paperwork done, and I was prepped for surgery.

At 3:07am my babies were taken from me.

I now have to have lab work done every Friday and I have to be seen by the OB docs every 2 weeks until my hormone levels are at zero and remain that way for four weeks.

The pathology report came back this past Friday. The pregnancy was in fact molar. Each baby had 69 pairs of chromosomes. They were identical twins. Turns out that 2 sperm fertilized the egg at exactly the same time, and that is why there were so many sets of chromosomes. Our twins were doomed from the start. The doc asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the twins, but I said no. I'm just not sure that I could handle it.

We have to wait roughly 6 months before the docs will give us the OK to try again. I'm more than fine with that. To tell the truth, I am not sure if I'll even be ready then. For some reason, this time is so much harder than the miscarriage I had before I had Noah. I think the fact that it was twins again makes it hurt that much worse.

I am slowly trying to deal with things, and am healing, in my own time. It is hard some days. Especially when Noah asks about the babies. I am extremely thankful for my friends and family who have loved me and guided me through all of this. And of course, Cody. Poor man....my hormones are going crazy and probably will for the next few months, and yet, he continues to love me through it all.

I have left a lot of things out, both for brevity and for privacy, but that is basically what happened in a nut shell.

Thank you for reading this, and letting me get it off my chest and put it out into the universe. I feel like a little bit of the weight has been lifted, and I am thankful for that.

And, while I will never get over the loss of the twins, I am coming to terms with it slowly. I am positive that things will start to look up soon, and that in the end, everything happens according to God's plan.

Baby A and Baby B,
I miss you and I love you. The 57 days I carried you were some of the best days of my life. I promise to never forget you, and to think of you both often. I'll see you in heaven some day. Take care of each other until then.
Mommy *2/4/11*

Thank you again to those of you who have lifted my family up in prayer, helped us, supported us, and loved us through all of this. It means more to me than I can ever say. I love each and every one of you.

God Bless,