29 December 2010


Sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I intentionally hurt others feelings. Sometimes I swear. Sometimes I swear a lot. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that Mr. I gets to go to work while I am a stay at home mom. Sometimes I ignore when my phone rings. Sometimes I put on a fake smile because I know that it is what the world wants to see. Sometimes I am so happy. Sometimes I love my life just the way it is. Sometimes I am desperate for some sort of change. Sometimes I leave Meta here with Mr. I for no reason other than I need a break. Sometimes I wonder if trying for a second child is really the right thing to be doing. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself off from the rest of the world for a while. Sometimes I wish Meta came with a mute button. Sometimes I wonder if Meta's bad behavior is simply him being a toddler, or if it is something I am doing wrong. Sometimes I doubt my ability as a mother. Sometimes I wish I had a "real" job. Sometimes I couldn't imagine doing anything else in the world but what I am doing right now. Sometimes I dream of being stationed overseas. Sometimes the thought of living so far away from everyone I love (besides C & N) terrifies me. Sometimes I eat so that I don't have to focus on the issues that are really bothering me. Sometimes I wish for another deployment. Sometimes I hate this military life. Sometimes I love being an Air Force wife. Sometimes I look at Noah and wonder how it is possible to love someone so much. Sometimes I am afraid I may pull my hair out if I have to repeat myself one more time. Sometimes I am a poor example of God's love and mercy. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I am not the wife I want to be. Sometimes I look at my cluttered little house and think who cares. Sometimes that same clutter will cause me to have an anxiety attack. Sometimes I have to take a step back and be brutally honest about myself, with myself, and with you. This was one of those times.

27 December 2010

Not me! Monday

I did NOT let me child run around outside with no shoes wearing his Buzz lightyear pajamas that are too small, but that he loves so much! Not me!

I am NOT a little bit happy that Cody has to go back to work tomorrow for 3 days, because we are NOT starting to drive each other a little crazy. Not me!

I did NOT make my family eat a super early dinner at 4pm because I was NOT starving. Not me!

I did NOT sleep most of the day away only to grumble about housework that didn't get done by me. I would never do that! Not me!

I did NOT forget to call to reschedule my physical therapy appointment until it was too late to change. Not me!

I did NOT call my little sister while we were at B-Dubs just to rub it in because I know how much she loves it. Not me! That would just be rude.

I did NOT actually get along with my brother in law really well Christmas day. Not me.

And I most defiantly did NOT stay up until nearly 4 in the morning looking for a blog layout because I was bored with my old one. Nope, not me!!!

What did you NOT do this week?

22 December 2010

Heard in my house

or my car, actually...

Noah: I want to watch Boltron when we get home.

Me: Noah, say Volton.

Noah: Boltron

Me: No, Vvvv, Vvvv, Voltron

Noah: Vvv, Vvvv,  BOLTRON!!!

Me: You know your letter sounds. What does V say?

Noah: Nothing. V is a yetter, and yetters don't talk!

19 December 2010

Reality: 1 KK: 0

Today was tough. It wasn't supposed to be. We didn't really have anything planned. It was just going to be a family day: hanging out, being lazy and relaxing. That all changed when I couldn't find Noah's 3t pants (his 2ts are getting too short). I told Cody that I knew we had a bunch somewhere and that maybe I put them in the garage when I packed up all of my clothes that are too big now. well, Cody translated that into: "it's time to go through all of the clothes and get rid of stuff." Not what I had in mind, but I decided to go with it.

He brought in more bags than I really thought our little garage could hold. We pulled all the clothes out, both mine and Noah's, and started going through them. We had a keep pile, a sell pile and a trash pile for things that were just too messed up to even give away. We sat there going through all of the things, most of which were Noah's. We were having a good time, laughing, and reminiscing about Noah's infant stage. Then it happened...

I came across the hat that Noah wore in the hospital right after he was born. And suddenly, is was as if I was hit in the face by a ton of bricks. I kept thinking to myself, "Look at this hat. It's so tiny." It was hard to believe that Noah's big coconut ever fit into a hat that small. And then other thoughts started to creep up. Good ones first. Like: "I can't wait to have another tiny head to put this one. I wonder what he or she will look like? I hope that (s)he looks like me and acts like Cody this time, since Noah is the other way around!"

And then, like it always does, the darkness came back. "What if I can't get pregnant again? It was so hard last time. Should we even bother trying? And even if I do get pregnant, which I probably won't, then how hard will it be this time? Last time was so difficult. What if I am on bed rest like that again? I can't do that to Noah. But, it doesn't really matter anyway, since it probably won't happen." Then I got emotional and shut down for most of the day.

I am not sure why I let myself think these thoughts. It isn't something I can really control I guess. But they are my honest thoughts and fears. The fact that we are even contemplating trying again terrifies me. But, the thought of not trying makes my heart hurt.

I know I shouldn't complain about my infertility issues, and I try not to. I mean, at least we have Noah. That, in and of itself, is a huge blessing and a miracle. I know if I had to, I could be happy with just one child, but that's not what I want. And then there is always there fear of getting pregnant again, and it being multiples because of the fertility treatments. How on Earth would I be able to handle that? Noah is bad enough on his own some days. I couldn't imagine having 2 or 3 of him at the same time!

I guess, in the end, what I learned from today is this: While I may not be as ready as I thought I was to go through this whole process again, I'm not ready to not do it either. I kind of feel like I am in emotional limbo. But, I have felt this way before. These feelings are very much like what I was feeling in 2006. And that turned out pretty good...I mean, Noah is pretty stinking cute!

So, I guess what I am saying is that even though I got a hard dose of reality today with the realization that I may not be able to get pregnant again, I'll never know if I don't try. And so I'll keep trying. Besides...the trying part can be pretty fun! ;)

17 December 2010


Here's a great idea....

Let me raise my kid the way I see fit. You had your chance to raise children, and that didn't go as smoothly as you like to believe. It's my turn, and he's my kid. Back off. K? Thanks.

12 December 2010

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Seeing as how I've been reasonably good the past 11.5 months, I feel like maybe you owe me some stuff. So, here's what I'd like: (in order of preference)

1. A deployment free 2011
2. Two pink lines on a little white stick
3. PCS orders to get the heck out of dodge
4. To see Bumblebee more
5. For Noah to be fully potty trained (if you could magically make this happen over night, that would be best)
6. For my husband to annoy me less
7. For all the troops to come home.
8. A little fairy who does all my cleaning, and knows how to put away laundry.
9. A year's supply of Coke (the pop-not the drug)
10. A Kindle...A Nook Color would also be acceptable.

Now see Santa, I really don't think I'm asking for too much here... considering what I've put up with this year. Can't you just help me out a little?


Oh, p.s.
If my name is on your naughty list....those damn elves lied!

10 December 2010

And then he was 3

I can't believe it. I really can't. How can my little boy be 3 already? It seems like yesterday I was getting a cercluage put in to save him, and now look where we are. He is so big, and so smart. But so darn ornery! But I love him. I love every single moment of his life. I hate that Cody has to miss so many of those great moments, but I know that his job is important.

And now here we are in mid-December. It's hard to believe that this year is almost over. In a way, I'm glad. This time last year we were staring down the barrel of another deployment, and Cody would be gone in less than a month. Now, we're staring down the barrel of shoulder surgery for him, but at least he is at home and safe. We both know that it is a very real possibility that he will deploy again in June, but we are trying not to get ahead of ourselves and worry about that now. For now we'll just continue to enjoy the time we have together.

And, I am almost a year out from my weight loss surgery!!! HOORAY! I can't believe it. I am down a total of 160lbs from my highest weight and 125 from the date of surgery. It is like a whole new me. My friends and I like to joke that I lost all 3 Jonas Brothers! :) But, in reality, this is a really hard time for me. I still don't see "Skinny KK" like all my friends do. I see "Fat KK". Maybe not as fat as I was, but still, not as small as I know I really am. Shopping for clothes blows my mind. I am smaller than the sizes that I think I should fit in. And the sizes that I do fit into look so tiny to me that it seems impossible. Some people have told me that I have lost too much weight, that I am too skinny, and that I am starting to look sick. Those words not only hurt, but they scare me. Thankfully my weight loss seems to have leveled off in the last 2 weeks or so. I am comfortable with where I am. My surgeon told me to be prepared to gain a few lbs back once my body regulates itself and I'm ok with that too. I just don't ever want to be what I was before. I am on B12 shots once a month now, for the rest of my life. Whether that is a by-product of the surgery or not, we'll never really know. But hopefully soon they will make me feel better.

In other news, I plan on talking to my surgeon in a few weeks when I go in for my 1 year post-op checkup. I am going to ask him about getting pregnant again. They said that I would have to wait until I was 12-18 months out from surgery, depending on how fast I lost my weight. Well, obviously it has all dropped off and then some. I am positive that he will give me the go ahead, since it is something we touched on in our last appointment. I am so desperate to have another child. And I won't lie...I really really want a girl. But, after all of the difficulty we had getting pregnant with Noah, (And we are expecting that this time too) I will just be happy to be able to have another baby. We will be referred to the fertility clinic, and it is usually a 6-8 month wait. And that's AFTER they know it works for you....like us. So, we're hoping that in that 6-8 month time frame we'll be able to do it on our own and won't need them when they call. But if we don't, I am ok with going back to the clinic. We had a great experience last time, even through all the heartache and sorrow that comes along with infertility. All I know is that I want a baby more than just about anything right now, and Cody is on board with doing whatever it takes to have another.

Ok, I think I am done for the night. I wish I could leave you with some witty comment or interesting life fact, but I just don't think that's gong to happen right now. So, until next time, stay positive, and keep life in perspective....at least you're not being eaten by a bear.

Peace & blessings...peace & blessings.