24 August 2012

Peace that passes understanding

Today I was asked something that threw me a bit. A friend asked "So your faith must be pretty broken, huh?  How can you even believe in your God anymore after all that you've been through the last two years?"

I was startled by her question for a second. I told her this:

Is my faith shaken, yes. Is it broken, never. These past 2 years have been rough, really rough. My family has had a lot to deal with packed into a short span of time. But, that doesn't mean I don't believe or trust God anymore. It's just the opposite. My faith now is stronger than it has ever been.

She told me that she was impressed by my courage and that I was a real inspiration to others and asked me to pray with her.

 I'm not trying to be an inspiration, and it certainly doesn't feel like I'm being courageous.

But the whole conversation got me thinking about things.

I don't know how people can go through life's hardships without Christ. People turn away from Him in times of sorrow, but for me, that's when I need him the most and I run to him. I wouldn't be able to handle these things without the strength that He gives me.

And while I'm sad, I know that it is ok to be. My faith tells me that it is ok to grieve and morn. But it also tells me that those feelings will pass. I'm filled with sadness and anger right now, but I'm also filled with a hope and a peace and a love that I know will never leave. The bible talks about a "Peace that passes all understanding" and that's what I have. I will never understand why bad things happen, but I KNOW that God has a plan for me and things will work out. I'm confident that I will see all of the babies I have carried in my womb one day, and they will recognize me and run to me!!

So, while I'm not trying to inspire anyone, I'm glad if I have. Maybe this was God's plan all along. Perhaps he's using me and what I've gone through to show others that He will provide no matter what.  I've never been one to stand up and testify for the Lord much. Maybe this is my testimony. Maybe God is using me in this way for a better purpose. If so, I'm glad. If my life can shine for him so that others can see it in me, then I've done the best that I can.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

13 August 2012

Thankful through the tears

I haven't blogged in so long. Yet, I find myself being pulled back here. My mind and my heart are a jumbled mess right now. The fact that my body has failed me again hurts beyond what I can say. The fact that 3 eggs implanted and that at one point I was actually pregnant with triplets blows my mind! We knew about 2 in the beginning, and that the second was being reabsorbed. It wasn't until things started to go bad that we learned about the 3rd.  

I'm thankful for so many things today, in spite of all that is going on. I'm thankful that they were able to save my ovary. I'm thankful that I have amazing doctors who look out for what is best for me, and are willing to do what it takes in regards to my fertility. But mostly, I'm thankful that we had that ultrasound last Tuesday. It seriously saved my life. Had I not had it, I would have eventually started hurting and bleeding. U/s would have shown a baby with no hb and they would have just let me miscarry. Doc says that they probably wouldn't even have checked my ovaries, and even then, it may have been to late. He told me that he gave it 5-9 days before my ovary ruptured and caused internal bleeding. It blows my mind. So, while I am sad, I'm grateful.

Don;t get me wrong, I'm angry too. And I think that's ok. I'm angry with my body...I feel like it failed me again. I'm angry with myself...I can't help but feel like it is somehow my fault. I'm angry at the world...all this just feels like an injustice to me. Why is it so hard for me? Why, when I do everything right like the doctors say, does everything go so wrong? Why can these crackheads and teenagers who have no business being a mom, why can they get pregnant so easily, and manage to stay pregnant? It's not fair, and I'm pissed off about it.

I'm also thankful for the amazing family of friends we have here. It's no secret that I'm not the biggest fan of San Antonio. However, our friends here have gone above and beyond for us these past few days. People welcomed Noah into their homes so that Cody was able to be with me during the scary appointments and the surgery. Families are bringing us meals, so that we have one less thing to worry about right now. Friends have stopped by to check on me, texted to say they are thinking of us, and people all over the world have been praying for my little family. I can't say thank you enough. We're beyond blessed to call you all our friends. We love you.

To my babies: 
Mommy loves you and will never ever forget you. I know you all are up there with your sibling who we lost before you. Please watch over us. We'll meet you all some day. I love you.