05 June 2011

Blogging FAIL!

March 6th.

That was the last time I blogged. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, or that I haven't had the time to blog. Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't blog. I think maybe I've been avoiding it.

Coming on here, and typing things out to put them out into the universe just makes them seem more real to me. It means I have to deal with things. Really deal with them deep down and not just brush them off the surface like I am so good at doing.

So, let's back up to March and I'll give you a super quick over view of what has transpired.

My mom (Abby) and my sister (Dodo) came to visit.
We went to my cousins wedding in Austin.
Noah flew back to Colorado with them.

Mr. I had surgery on his shoulder to repair an injury he had sustained during his most recent deployment.
Meta is still in Colorado

Cody goes back to work.
Cody and I drive to Colorado to go get Noah.
We had a great time in Colorado for 2 weeks, then we all drove back to the inferno we call home.

Ok, so those are some highlights and now your caught up....sort of.

All this time I have been dealing with, or trying to deal with, the loss of the twins. For some reason this loss seems so much more difficult than the others. Due to it being a molar pregnancy, I have to go in for weekly blood work to get my HCG levels checked. If they go back up, I would need chemo. Well, my numbers have been all over the place. One week they look great, and the next week they are back up. I need them to be at 0.0 for 3 weeks before I can start doing the blood work monthly instead of weekly. This has been going on since the beginning of Feb., and I still don't have 3 weeks of 0.0. So, I continue to go every week. I'm sure you can see how this could be frustrating. It feels like every week I have to relive the night the twins were taken from me. It opens up the same wounds over and over again. I can't help but think thaat I should be 25 weeks pregnant right now. With a big round belly full of twins. I wonder if they were boys or girls? What would we have named them? What would they have looked like? I know it does me no good to play the what if game, and all I'm really doing is torturing myself, but it's hard not to. I know that this was a molar pregnancy and not my fault, but sometimes I wonder "What if I had done x, y, or z differently? Then what?" Who knows. All I do know is that I want to be pregnant so badly and that is not possible right now. It may not be possible at all. I have to wait until I have at least 6 months of 0.0 HCG before they will give me the go-ahead, but there is fear that there may be too much damage to what little cervix I had left to be able to support another pregnancy, even with a cerclauge. Then what? I just don't know right now.

So, that's where I'm at right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Because maybe, just maybe, if I ignored some of these things that I've been feeling, they would go away. That's obviously not the case. In fact, it has made things worse, and brought back the anxiety issues that had been at bay for a few years now. Guess I should call my doc about that one before it gets out of control.

So, to those of you who have been keeping up with me through this whole ordeal: Thank you for loving me and supporting me through these rough times. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around some days. I love you all for sticking by me.

And, so I don't leave you on a sad note, here are some things Heard in My House lately:

Me: Noah, what does a cow say?
Noah: Moooo
Me: What does a sheep say?
Noah: Baaaa
Me: What does a horse say?
Noah: Giddy up, Cowboy!

Noah: "Mom, if poop starts coming out of my mouth, we've got a big problem."
Me: "Uh yeah buddy, I think you're right, that would be a problem."

Noah: (in his car seat grunting)
Me: What are you doing?
Noah: "Trying to make coins come out of my butt like Mario."

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