13 August 2011

stream of consciousness

What a roller coaster ride the last year has been. This time last year we knew that Cody had been injured during his deployment and we were anxiously awaiting word that he was headed home. Since then, he's come home, Noah turned 3, we've gotten pregnant with twins, we lost the twins, Cody had surgery on his shoulder to repair the deployment injuries, we've battled my numbers game with the molar pregnancy, made some new friends, and even taken a few vacations.

Through it all, we've managed to hold on to each other. I think it's the only way we've made it through. As we approach what would have been the twins due date, September 16th, I find myself slipping into a funk. I'm moody, emotional, and some days just plain awful to be around. But thankfully, my family and my closest friends really seem to understand, and can forgive my less than pleasant demeanor. And, while I will never forget the loss of the twins, or how it has shaped my life, I feel positive that I am starting to let go of the bad feelings, at least some of them.

Yesterday, I got a call for my fertility doctor. She was calling with my blood work results. First, let me say that I am so happy that I only have to get bloodwork once a month now instead of weekly!!! My numbers looked good once again. When I had spoken with Dr. Adams last month we had talked about the possibility of me going back to the fertility clinic earlier than planned because Cody is set to deploy yet again. She wanted to talk to the oncologist and get his opinion.

This month when she called she told me that the oncologist was adamant that we wait the 6 months. However, once I explained the situation and my fears to her, she agreed to help us out. As long as my numbers are good in September and October, she will clear us to start trying in October!!! I am beyond thrilled! We'll go back on the fertility drugs in October, and if that doesn't work, we'll have an IUI in November. I am so happy because that gives us a few months to try before Cody leaves for the big sandbox.

Once she told me that we would get the go-ahead in October, my whole outlook on things changed. I'm happy again. I want this more than anything. I will forever miss the twins, and they will never be replaced, but at the same time, I need to move on. Our family is ready for another member and I can't wait for it to happen! So for now, I'll just continue to remain positive. I know that my bloodwork will look excellent again in September and October, and I am certain that I will be pregnant before Christmas. I know God has it in his plans for me. And all I need to do is trust in him.

Thank you to my little sister for sharing her favorite verse with me a few nights ago. I know it means so much to her, and now I feel the meaning as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11


  1. That's the attitude!! :D

  2. I love this and I know how you feel! When I lost the baby in 04 it killed me, and since then not getting pregnant has killed me too but Monday I go back to the fertility doctor and I am excited for that. Monday I also start my first round of fertility drugs- who knows maybe we will get pregnant around the same time! I'm praying for you:)

  3. Thanks girls! I am praying for you too Bridgette! I hope we both get big fat positives soon!