I haven't blogged in so long. Yet, I find myself being pulled back here. My mind and my heart are a jumbled mess right now. The fact that my body has failed me again hurts beyond what I can say. The fact that 3 eggs implanted and that at one point I was actually pregnant with triplets blows my mind! We knew about 2 in the beginning, and that the second was being reabsorbed. It wasn't until things started to go bad that we learned about the 3rd.
I'm thankful for so many things today, in spite of all that is going on. I'm thankful that they were able to save my ovary. I'm thankful that I have amazing doctors who look out for what is best for me, and are willing to do what it takes in regards to my fertility. But mostly, I'm thankful that we had that ultrasound last Tuesday. It seriously saved my life. Had I not had it, I would have eventually started hurting and bleeding. U/s would have shown a baby with no hb and they would have just let me miscarry. Doc says that they probably wouldn't even have checked my ovaries, and even then, it may have been to late. He told me that he gave it 5-9 days before my ovary ruptured and caused internal bleeding. It blows my mind. So, while I am sad, I'm grateful.
Don;t get me wrong, I'm angry too. And I think that's ok. I'm angry with my body...I feel like it failed me again. I'm angry with myself...I can't help but feel like it is somehow my fault. I'm angry at the world...all this just feels like an injustice to me. Why is it so hard for me? Why, when I do everything right like the doctors say, does everything go so wrong? Why can these crackheads and teenagers who have no business being a mom, why can they get pregnant so easily, and manage to stay pregnant? It's not fair, and I'm pissed off about it.
I'm also thankful for the amazing family of friends we have here. It's no secret that I'm not the biggest fan of San Antonio. However, our friends here have gone above and beyond for us these past few days. People welcomed Noah into their homes so that Cody was able to be with me during the scary appointments and the surgery. Families are bringing us meals, so that we have one less thing to worry about right now. Friends have stopped by to check on me, texted to say they are thinking of us, and people all over the world have been praying for my little family. I can't say thank you enough. We're beyond blessed to call you all our friends. We love you.
To my babies:
Mommy loves you and will never ever forget you. I know you all are up there with your sibling who we lost before you. Please watch over us. We'll meet you all some day. I love you.