05 January 2011

stream of consciousness

Today is a strange day for me. It seems like a day of contradictions. A day of inner battles; I'm not sure which side is winning and I'm left with more questions than answers. Ever have those days?

Today I am battling myself, and all my inner demons. I'm battling the negativity that I get from the world and from myself. I am trying my hardest to gain an advantage on the enemy, but it seems as though I am fighting an uphill battle. How is it possible to feel so many things at the same time, and have those feelings contradict each other? Am I normal?
For instance:

How can Noah drive me crazy, and yet make me want another one every time I look at him?

How can I get a negative pregnancy test today and feel ok about it one minute, and then angry the next?

How can I continue to get negative pregnancy tests (throughout the years) and still go on? And if I don't get pregnant, is that unfair to Noah?

How can I say that if I need to I will go through all the fertility treatments again, when even speaking those words scares me?

How can I live in a house so full of laughter and still feel lonely sometimes?

How can I be so desperate to get off of this base, and yet terrified of the thought of leaving?

How can I be so full of love and still not like myself sometimes?

Am I selfish for wanting another baby, even knowing how hard it may be on my body; or is it natural?

How is it possible to be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time?

How can I continue to battle like this with myself when I know that no one really wins, and that Cody and Noah are the ones who lose in the end. I hate for them to see me like this.

Is it normal to have so many jumbled up feelings like this? I am not sure. I am hoping that putting them out into the blog-o-sphere will help me a little bit. This is my first real attempt and unedited posting...just letting the words stream out of my head. So, I'm sorry if it seems discombobulated or confusing...imagine how it sounds in my brain! lol.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this all the way through, but if you do...thanks for "listening" and letting me get a few things off of my chest and out of my head. Maybe this will help me sleep tonight.

On a much much lighter note....this is for my military wife friends. The language may be a tad offensive to some, I didn't find it that bad. And of course it is an exaggeration, but it made me smile. I can't take credit for this. I just found it on Youtube. Enjoy!

1 comment:

  1. Babe I love you and ALL of this is normal...at least I think it is. You are such a strong person, a great mother and wife and nothing is impossible for you and the family. Hang in there and please know you are an AMAZING person.