Today was tough. It wasn't supposed to be. We didn't really have anything planned. It was just going to be a family day: hanging out, being lazy and relaxing. That all changed when I couldn't find Noah's 3t pants (his 2ts are getting too short). I told Cody that I knew we had a bunch somewhere and that maybe I put them in the garage when I packed up all of my clothes that are too big now. well, Cody translated that into: "it's time to go through all of the clothes and get rid of stuff." Not what I had in mind, but I decided to go with it.
He brought in more bags than I really thought our little garage could hold. We pulled all the clothes out, both mine and Noah's, and started going through them. We had a keep pile, a sell pile and a trash pile for things that were just too messed up to even give away. We sat there going through all of the things, most of which were Noah's. We were having a good time, laughing, and reminiscing about Noah's infant stage. Then it happened...
I came across the hat that Noah wore in the hospital right after he was born. And suddenly, is was as if I was hit in the face by a ton of bricks. I kept thinking to myself, "Look at this hat. It's so tiny." It was hard to believe that Noah's big coconut ever fit into a hat that small. And then other thoughts started to creep up. Good ones first. Like: "I can't wait to have another tiny head to put this one. I wonder what he or she will look like? I hope that (s)he looks like me and acts like Cody this time, since Noah is the other way around!"
And then, like it always does, the darkness came back. "What if I can't get pregnant again? It was so hard last time. Should we even bother trying? And even if I do get pregnant, which I probably won't, then how hard will it be this time? Last time was so difficult. What if I am on bed rest like that again? I can't do that to Noah. But, it doesn't really matter anyway, since it probably won't happen." Then I got emotional and shut down for most of the day.
I am not sure why I let myself think these thoughts. It isn't something I can really control I guess. But they are my honest thoughts and fears. The fact that we are even contemplating trying again terrifies me. But, the thought of not trying makes my heart hurt.
I know I shouldn't complain about my infertility issues, and I try not to. I mean, at least we have Noah. That, in and of itself, is a huge blessing and a miracle. I know if I had to, I could be happy with just one child, but that's not what I want. And then there is always there fear of getting pregnant again, and it being multiples because of the fertility treatments. How on Earth would I be able to handle that? Noah is bad enough on his own some days. I couldn't imagine having 2 or 3 of him at the same time!
I guess, in the end, what I learned from today is this: While I may not be as ready as I thought I was to go through this whole process again, I'm not ready to not do it either. I kind of feel like I am in emotional limbo. But, I have felt this way before. These feelings are very much like what I was feeling in 2006. And that turned out pretty good...I mean, Noah is pretty stinking cute!
So, I guess what I am saying is that even though I got a hard dose of reality today with the realization that I may not be able to get pregnant again, I'll never know if I don't try. And so I'll keep trying. Besides...the trying part can be pretty fun! ;)