rational fears

I believe that everyone in this world has fears, and that those fears can be either rational or irrational. At what is rational to you, may not be to me, and vise-versa.

For example:

I see a clown, and think "fun time at the circus". Cody's brother sees one and nearly wets his pants. To me, this is an irrational fear, but it makes sense to him.

On the other hand, I believe that some fears are strictly rational, regardless of who has them. I am having a few of those right now.

I FEAR that I may lose this baby, because of a previous loss.

I FEAR that I will have postpartum depression severely because I did after Noah.

I FEAR that Noah will feel left out and unloved once Sprout comes along because I have seen it happen with other children.

I FEAR that my body will not be able to handle this pregnancy and I will be placed on long term bed-rest because that happened last time.

But most of all, I FEAR that I will not be mother enough, or have enough love for two children, because I am not sure that I can love anyone else the way I love Noah.

That last fear may not be rational to some of you, but it is something that has been in my head and on my heart of the last few days. I don't understand how mothers of more than one do it. I guess I'll figure it out in the end.

Until next time, don't let your fears, rational or other-wise, get the best of you,

KK

Heard in my house

Noah: Hey Mom, guess what?

Me: What?

Noah: I can spell anything.

Me: You can?

Noah: Yep! I sure can. Want to see?

Me: Sure Buddy.

Noah: Abbra Cadabra! Hocus Pocus! Magic words! Presto!

At this point there was a moment of silence because I really had no words.

Noah: See Mom! I told you I am a great speller!!

Me: Yep. I guess you are.

:)

Insert foot in mouth and close

Wow, it's been a few days since I last posted, thanks to a lack of Internet at my house right now. (Stupid AT&T!) So, I'm sitting at the base library to bring this to you all:

Remember a few days ago when I was feeling so down? Remember how I thought nothing was going right or according to plan? Remember that? I do, and now I can't help but laugh at myself.

Why, you ask......

Because I'm pregnant!!!! I am so excited. I was just testing too early and I let it mess with my head. I thought for sure that I would never be able to do it without the help of the fertility doctors. All I could see was a long hard road ahead of me.

Well, now I see a different road. It will still be hard, but not as long. In fact, the journey should end around September 16, 2011. I can't believe I'm going to have a September baby. Who am I kidding?!?! I can't believe I'm going to have a baby!! I am beyond thrilled!

Now, as some of you know, I am a very high risk patient. For those that don't know, I'll break it down for you:
1. I had a miscarriage prior to getting pregnant with Noah.
2. I went into pre-term labor with Meta at 16 weeks.
3. They then placed an emergency cerclauge (where they sew your cervix shut.)
4. After having 1 cerclauge, you will have to have one with any subsequent pregnancies.
5. I had weight loss surgery.

So, those are the reasons I am considered high risk. They will place my cerclauge sometime around 12 weeks. As of right now, I can't get in for my OB orientation until 8 Feb, but I am going to continue to call to see if someone has cancelled and I can get in sooner. After the orientation, I will be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine. I will most likely be seen on a pretty much weekly basis like I was with Noah.

If you are my FB friend, you already knew all of this, so I'm sorry to bore you. :P
If not, then you're all caught up!

Oh, and if you're wondering what Noah thinks of the whole thing, well, let's just say he's jealous. Not of the fact that there will be a new baby. He's mad because he wants a baby in his belly too! Lol, I love that little guy!

I'll be posting often about the sprout, and let you all know how it's going. But I promise to try to not let it consume my blog!

Until next time,
Preggo KK

stream of consciousness

Today is a strange day for me. It seems like a day of contradictions. A day of inner battles; I'm not sure which side is winning and I'm left with more questions than answers. Ever have those days?

Today I am battling myself, and all my inner demons. I'm battling the negativity that I get from the world and from myself. I am trying my hardest to gain an advantage on the enemy, but it seems as though I am fighting an uphill battle. How is it possible to feel so many things at the same time, and have those feelings contradict each other? Am I normal?

For instance:

How can Noah drive me crazy, and yet make me want another one every time I look at him?

How can I get a negative pregnancy test today and feel ok about it one minute, and then angry the next?

How can I continue to get negative pregnancy tests (throughout the years) and still go on? And if I don't get pregnant, is that unfair to Noah?

How can I say that if I need to I will go through all the fertility treatments again, when even speaking those words scares me?

How can I live in a house so full of laughter and still feel lonely sometimes?

How can I be so desperate to get off of this base, and yet terrified of the thought of leaving?

How can I be so full of love and still not like myself sometimes?

Am I selfish for wanting another baby, even knowing how hard it may be on my body; or is it natural?

How is it possible to be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time?

How can I continue to battle like this with myself when I know that no one really wins, and that Cody and Noah are the ones who lose in the end. I hate for them to see me like this.

Is it normal to have so many jumbled up feelings like this? I am not sure. I am hoping that putting them out into the blog-o-sphere will help me a little bit. This is my first real attempt and unedited posting...just letting the words stream out of my head. So, I'm sorry if it seems discombobulated or confusing...imagine how it sounds in my brain! lol.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this all the way through, but if you do...thanks for "listening" and letting me get a few things off of my chest and out of my head. Maybe this will help me sleep tonight.

On a much much lighter note....this is for my military wife friends. The language may be a tad offensive to some, I didn't find it that bad. And of course it is an exaggeration, but it made me smile. I can't take credit for this. I just found it on Youtube. Enjoy!

KK

I WANT!!

"I want!" How many times a day do we say this? Or our children? Now that I have a toddler, every time I hear the word "want" it's like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to "I want" less. Instead, I am trying to say "I would like..." It just sounds so much nicer. But for all the niceties, there are a few things in this life that I do truly WANT. (Aside from world peace, but who doesn't want that?)

I WANT Cody to not have to deploy for at least 12 months.

I WANT Dodo to be able to finish school without some of the stresses she has had.

I WANT Abbey's foot to be better.

I WANT to feel happy and secure all of the time. (working on that one)

I WANT to give Noah a sibling.

I WANT to see Bentley more than I do.

Those are my "want's" in this life...at least for right now. Are they too much to ask...I don't really know. But I do know that everyone has wants, and needs, and that sometimes we confuse those with "would like to have's". At least I have this blog to help me see things the way they are and put my life back in to perspective. It could always be worse. So, I'll take what I can get.

What would you like?

What do you WANT?

Not Me Monday

Today is the day that I blog about all the things that I "didn't" do in the past 7 days.

I did NOT totally forget to take something out for dinner tonight, and I most certainly did NOT decide to go the easy route and pick up pizza! Not me!

I did NOT make Noah sleep on the top bunk after peeing in the bottom bunk rather than putting new sheets on. (Don't worry I am washing the pee ones!)

I did NOT forget to wash the conditioner out of my hair a few days ago, therefor I did NOT look like I mopped up an oil spill!

I did NOT have a super good time at the mall today with Keylia, and I did NOT spend too much money getting my nails done, so I do NOT feel a little more girly tonight.

And finally, my heart does NOT ache every time I hold Geraint. And it certainly does NOT make me want another child.

What did you not do this week?

UPDATE:

I most certainly did NOT post this a day early because I did NOT think today was Monday even though it is in fact Sunday.

Heard in my house

Me to Noah: Who's the best Noah in the whole world?

Noah: Me!

Me: Who's the best mommy in the whole world?

Noah: You!

Me: Who's the best daddy in the whole world?

Noah: The Hulk!

Man, I love that kid! :)