stream of consciousness

What a roller coaster ride the last year has been. This time last year we knew that Cody had been injured during his deployment and we were anxiously awaiting word that he was headed home. Since then, he's come home, Noah turned 3, we've gotten pregnant with twins, we lost the twins, Cody had surgery on his shoulder to repair the deployment injuries, we've battled my numbers game with the molar pregnancy, made some new friends, and even taken a few vacations.

Through it all, we've managed to hold on to each other. I think it's the only way we've made it through. As we approach what would have been the twins due date, September 16th, I find myself slipping into a funk. I'm moody, emotional, and some days just plain awful to be around. But thankfully, my family and my closest friends really seem to understand, and can forgive my less than pleasant demeanor. And, while I will never forget the loss of the twins, or how it has shaped my life, I feel positive that I am starting to let go of the bad feelings, at least some of them.

Yesterday, I got a call for my fertility doctor. She was calling with my blood work results. First, let me say that I am so happy that I only have to get bloodwork once a month now instead of weekly!!! My numbers looked good once again. When I had spoken with Dr. Adams last month we had talked about the possibility of me going back to the fertility clinic earlier than planned because Cody is set to deploy yet again. She wanted to talk to the oncologist and get his opinion.

This month when she called she told me that the oncologist was adamant that we wait the 6 months. However, once I explained the situation and my fears to her, she agreed to help us out. As long as my numbers are good in September and October, she will clear us to start trying in October!!! I am beyond thrilled! We'll go back on the fertility drugs in October, and if that doesn't work, we'll have an IUI in November. I am so happy because that gives us a few months to try before Cody leaves for the big sandbox.

Once she told me that we would get the go-ahead in October, my whole outlook on things changed. I'm happy again. I want this more than anything. I will forever miss the twins, and they will never be replaced, but at the same time, I need to move on. Our family is ready for another member and I can't wait for it to happen! So for now, I'll just continue to remain positive. I know that my bloodwork will look excellent again in September and October, and I am certain that I will be pregnant before Christmas. I know God has it in his plans for me. And all I need to do is trust in him.

Thank you to my little sister for sharing her favorite verse with me a few nights ago. I know it means so much to her, and now I feel the meaning as well.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Heard in my house

Me: Noah, what do yellow and blue make?
Noah: Green.
Me: What about red and yellow?
Noah: Orange.
Me: Great job buddy!
Noah: Thanks. Hey Mom, what about blue and green?
Me: Aquamarine.
Noah: How about green and yellow?
Me: Chartreuse
Noah: What about green and red?
Me: Um, I really don't know what green and red make Bud.
Noah: Duh, green and red make Christmas silly!

Interview with a vampire...er, Noah.

A friend of mine does this with her kiddos, and I thought it would be fun to see what Noah says.

Interview with Noah, age 3.5

Favorite Food...............................: Pancakes
Favorite Book...............................: The Cat in the Hat
Favorote TV Show............................: The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That.
Favorite Movie..............................: Super Friends
Favorite Color..............................: Green and Red
Favorite Friend.............................: Gabe and Jonah and Aubrey
Favorite Place to go........................: Target
Favorite Thing to do........................: Play Ironman
Favorite Toy................................: Buzz Lightyear and a Basketball
Favorite Clothes............................: Stipped ones
Who is your best friend.....................: Gabe
Who is Mommy's best friend..................: Me
Who is Daddy's best friend..................: Me
Do you have a girlfriend....................: Yep. Aubrey, Cameron and Katarina
What do you love to do......................: Play games
What's your favorite snack..................: Popsicles
What's mommy's favorite snack...............: Crunchy Corn
What's Mom's favorite thing to watch on TV..: Shows
What song do you love to sing...............: Row row row your boat
What makes you happy........................: A tomato
What makes you sad..........................: I can't know
Are you scared of anything..................: Yeah
If so, What & why...........................: A fox, because I am
Is mom or Dad scared of anything............: yep, a bouncy carrot
Who do you love.............................: You
Who loves you...............................: Daddy

Blogging FAIL!

March 6th.

That was the last time I blogged. It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about, or that I haven't had the time to blog. Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't blog. I think maybe I've been avoiding it.

Coming on here, and typing things out to put them out into the universe just makes them seem more real to me. It means I have to deal with things. Really deal with them deep down and not just brush them off the surface like I am so good at doing.

So, let's back up to March and I'll give you a super quick over view of what has transpired.

March:
My mom (Abby) and my sister (Dodo) came to visit.
We went to my cousins wedding in Austin.
Noah flew back to Colorado with them.

April:
Mr. I had surgery on his shoulder to repair an injury he had sustained during his most recent deployment.
Meta is still in Colorado

May:
Cody goes back to work.
Cody and I drive to Colorado to go get Noah.
We had a great time in Colorado for 2 weeks, then we all drove back to the inferno we call home.

Ok, so those are some highlights and now your caught up....sort of.

All this time I have been dealing with, or trying to deal with, the loss of the twins. For some reason this loss seems so much more difficult than the others. Due to it being a molar pregnancy, I have to go in for weekly blood work to get my HCG levels checked. If they go back up, I would need chemo. Well, my numbers have been all over the place. One week they look great, and the next week they are back up. I need them to be at 0.0 for 3 weeks before I can start doing the blood work monthly instead of weekly. This has been going on since the beginning of Feb., and I still don't have 3 weeks of 0.0. So, I continue to go every week. I'm sure you can see how this could be frustrating. It feels like every week I have to relive the night the twins were taken from me. It opens up the same wounds over and over again. I can't help but think thaat I should be 25 weeks pregnant right now. With a big round belly full of twins. I wonder if they were boys or girls? What would we have named them? What would they have looked like? I know it does me no good to play the what if game, and all I'm really doing is torturing myself, but it's hard not to. I know that this was a molar pregnancy and not my fault, but sometimes I wonder "What if I had done x, y, or z differently? Then what?" Who knows. All I do know is that I want to be pregnant so badly and that is not possible right now. It may not be possible at all. I have to wait until I have at least 6 months of 0.0 HCG before they will give me the go-ahead, but there is fear that there may be too much damage to what little cervix I had left to be able to support another pregnancy, even with a cerclauge. Then what? I just don't know right now.

So, that's where I'm at right now. That's why I haven't blogged. Because maybe, just maybe, if I ignored some of these things that I've been feeling, they would go away. That's obviously not the case. In fact, it has made things worse, and brought back the anxiety issues that had been at bay for a few years now. Guess I should call my doc about that one before it gets out of control.

So, to those of you who have been keeping up with me through this whole ordeal: Thank you for loving me and supporting me through these rough times. I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around some days. I love you all for sticking by me.


And, so I don't leave you on a sad note, here are some things Heard in My House lately:

Me: Noah, what does a cow say?
Noah: Moooo
Me: What does a sheep say?
Noah: Baaaa
Me: What does a horse say?
Noah: Giddy up, Cowboy!


Noah: "Mom, if poop starts coming out of my mouth, we've got a big problem."
Me: "Uh yeah buddy, I think you're right, that would be a problem."

Noah: (in his car seat grunting)
Me: What are you doing?
Noah: "Trying to make coins come out of my butt like Mario."

Heard in my house

Noah loves singing. Today he was singing "Row Row Row Your Boat". His lyrics are pretty awesome. Enjoy:

"Row, row, row, your boat
Gently drown the steam.
Marry, marry marry, marry,
Life goes down the drain."

The best day

Today started like any other day. It was really pretty ordinary. Little did I know that it would turn out to be extraordinary!

Noah woke up right around 7am, which is a little early for him, but not too bad. He then proceeded to eat 3 yogurts, a bowl of cereal, and some peanut butter toast.

We hung out, did a little bit of school work and watched some cartoons. Then at about 10am we had to run over to main base because Cody forgot his new insurance card. That would not be a good thing...to get pulled over on base and not have your insurance card! So, we took it to him just in case.

Then we decided to head to the zoo. It wasn't something we had planned or that I had really even thought about. He asked if we could go, and since we have passes, I said sure. After a quick stop at Sonic, we were on our way!

We got there and it was pretty packed. I didn't realize that today was field trip day, and that every 3rd grader within 100 miles would be there! But I figured what the heck.

We walked around, and looked at most of the animals, and spent a good bit of time in the tot-spot. We saw my favorite animal, the Okapi, and Noah's, the Elephant. We saw waaaay more of the male elephant than I really wanted to! lmao. We made our rounds through the tiger, lions, and bears (OH MY!). And after about 4 hours we left. We got on the train that runs around the zoo and the park and ate some popcorn, and then we left.

Noah crashed in the car after about 2 miles, cheeseburger in hand. :) Now we're home and he's playing with his trains.

Now, I know all of this seems pretty ordinary and you may be asking why I thought it was such a great day. Well, it just was. And I didn't even have my camera to show you why.

Noah listened pretty well (for a 3 year old). I didn't have to argue with him (too much). And we both had a blast just being with each other. I know we spend all day every day together, but this was different. And it wasn't even about getting out of the house. Those that know me know that Noah and I are rarely home all day. But for some reason, today just meant so much more.

We were both so happy. We had so much fun. I loved today. Now, who knows how the rest of the night will go, so I'm going to hold on to the joy he and I shared all afternoon. I really needed it!

So, thanks Noah! I had the best day with you today!

57 Days

This blog has been coming for a while, but it has been hard for me to write. I have started it, and had to walk away a few times. Please bear with me if it seems jumbled.

I have delayed posting this blog for a few reasons, but mainly because putting it out there into the blog-o-sphere makes things seem more real, and I just wasn't ready for that.

57 days.

I was pregnant for 57 wonderful days.

I was pregnant with twins for 57 wonderful days.

I went in for a regular follow up ultrasound on Jan 28th (I had one about a week earlier where they saw that it was twins, but it was too early to see much else.) I was 6w5d along. I was feeling great. No real morning sickness to speak of, full of energy, This pregnancy was the total opposite of Meta.

The tech has me lay down on the bed and we start the ultrasound. We did an external first, followed by a trans-vaginal, which I have come to expect. But something wasn't right. She kept looking and looking, moving the probe around to get a better angle. Finally she told us that she was going to go get the doctor to look at a few things and she left the room. Once she walked out, I lost it. Cody kept telling me that it was fine and I was over reacting. I told him, "No, the tech doesn't get the doc unless there is a problem."

The doc came in, looked at the screen and said to me, "at 6w5d we expect to see certain things and we're just not seeing them, including a heart beat. I'm sorry." He told me to call the OB clinic and go see them on Friday (This was a Wednesday.)

We go home from the hospital devastated and unsure of what was to come.

Friday morning I went in early for labs and then went to my appointment alone. (Cody stayed home with Noah) The OB docs said my numbers looked great and they did another ultrasound. They still couldn't see much and they said that maybe I was just much earlier in my pregnancy than we thought; or maybe it was a molar pregnancy. They sent me home and told me to come back for more labs and another ultrasound on Tuesday morning.

That whole weekend is a bit of a blur. It was a mix of highs and lows. We were feeling super optimistic more minute, and heartbroken the next.

Tuesday morning rolls around and I go back to the hospital. Again, my numbers look great, but the ultrasound still doesn't look right. You could see two well developed sacks, and you could see that they had collapsed in on themselves, another sign of a molar pregnancy. They scheduled me for a D&E (similar to a D&C) for Monday morning Feb 7th. They told me if I started bleeding to go to the ER immediately because the risk of hemorrhaging is so high in molar pregnancies.

Friday night I start bleeding. No cramping really, just an uncomfortable feeling. I go in to the ER as instructed and they decide to do an emergency D&E that night. Cody came to the hospital, and my neighbor was already their with me. Her husband stayed with Noah that night. We got the paperwork done, and I was prepped for surgery.

At 3:07am my babies were taken from me.

I now have to have lab work done every Friday and I have to be seen by the OB docs every 2 weeks until my hormone levels are at zero and remain that way for four weeks.

The pathology report came back this past Friday. The pregnancy was in fact molar. Each baby had 69 pairs of chromosomes. They were identical twins. Turns out that 2 sperm fertilized the egg at exactly the same time, and that is why there were so many sets of chromosomes. Our twins were doomed from the start. The doc asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the twins, but I said no. I'm just not sure that I could handle it.

We have to wait roughly 6 months before the docs will give us the OK to try again. I'm more than fine with that. To tell the truth, I am not sure if I'll even be ready then. For some reason, this time is so much harder than the miscarriage I had before I had Noah. I think the fact that it was twins again makes it hurt that much worse.

I am slowly trying to deal with things, and am healing, in my own time. It is hard some days. Especially when Noah asks about the babies. I am extremely thankful for my friends and family who have loved me and guided me through all of this. And of course, Cody. Poor man....my hormones are going crazy and probably will for the next few months, and yet, he continues to love me through it all.

I have left a lot of things out, both for brevity and for privacy, but that is basically what happened in a nut shell.

Thank you for reading this, and letting me get it off my chest and put it out into the universe. I feel like a little bit of the weight has been lifted, and I am thankful for that.

And, while I will never get over the loss of the twins, I am coming to terms with it slowly. I am positive that things will start to look up soon, and that in the end, everything happens according to God's plan.

Baby A and Baby B,

I miss you and I love you. The 57 days I carried you were some of the best days of my life. I promise to never forget you, and to think of you both often. I'll see you in heaven some day. Take care of each other until then.

Love,

Mommy *2/4/11*

Thank you again to those of you who have lifted my family up in prayer, helped us, supported us, and loved us through all of this. It means more to me than I can ever say. I love each and every one of you.

God Bless,

KK

rational fears

I believe that everyone in this world has fears, and that those fears can be either rational or irrational. At what is rational to you, may not be to me, and vise-versa.

For example:

I see a clown, and think "fun time at the circus". Cody's brother sees one and nearly wets his pants. To me, this is an irrational fear, but it makes sense to him.

On the other hand, I believe that some fears are strictly rational, regardless of who has them. I am having a few of those right now.

I FEAR that I may lose this baby, because of a previous loss.

I FEAR that I will have postpartum depression severely because I did after Noah.

I FEAR that Noah will feel left out and unloved once Sprout comes along because I have seen it happen with other children.

I FEAR that my body will not be able to handle this pregnancy and I will be placed on long term bed-rest because that happened last time.

But most of all, I FEAR that I will not be mother enough, or have enough love for two children, because I am not sure that I can love anyone else the way I love Noah.

That last fear may not be rational to some of you, but it is something that has been in my head and on my heart of the last few days. I don't understand how mothers of more than one do it. I guess I'll figure it out in the end.

Until next time, don't let your fears, rational or other-wise, get the best of you,

KK

Heard in my house

Noah: Hey Mom, guess what?

Me: What?

Noah: I can spell anything.

Me: You can?

Noah: Yep! I sure can. Want to see?

Me: Sure Buddy.

Noah: Abbra Cadabra! Hocus Pocus! Magic words! Presto!

At this point there was a moment of silence because I really had no words.

Noah: See Mom! I told you I am a great speller!!

Me: Yep. I guess you are.

:)

Insert foot in mouth and close

Wow, it's been a few days since I last posted, thanks to a lack of Internet at my house right now. (Stupid AT&T!) So, I'm sitting at the base library to bring this to you all:

Remember a few days ago when I was feeling so down? Remember how I thought nothing was going right or according to plan? Remember that? I do, and now I can't help but laugh at myself.

Why, you ask......

Because I'm pregnant!!!! I am so excited. I was just testing too early and I let it mess with my head. I thought for sure that I would never be able to do it without the help of the fertility doctors. All I could see was a long hard road ahead of me.

Well, now I see a different road. It will still be hard, but not as long. In fact, the journey should end around September 16, 2011. I can't believe I'm going to have a September baby. Who am I kidding?!?! I can't believe I'm going to have a baby!! I am beyond thrilled!

Now, as some of you know, I am a very high risk patient. For those that don't know, I'll break it down for you:
1. I had a miscarriage prior to getting pregnant with Noah.
2. I went into pre-term labor with Meta at 16 weeks.
3. They then placed an emergency cerclauge (where they sew your cervix shut.)
4. After having 1 cerclauge, you will have to have one with any subsequent pregnancies.
5. I had weight loss surgery.

So, those are the reasons I am considered high risk. They will place my cerclauge sometime around 12 weeks. As of right now, I can't get in for my OB orientation until 8 Feb, but I am going to continue to call to see if someone has cancelled and I can get in sooner. After the orientation, I will be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine. I will most likely be seen on a pretty much weekly basis like I was with Noah.

If you are my FB friend, you already knew all of this, so I'm sorry to bore you. :P
If not, then you're all caught up!

Oh, and if you're wondering what Noah thinks of the whole thing, well, let's just say he's jealous. Not of the fact that there will be a new baby. He's mad because he wants a baby in his belly too! Lol, I love that little guy!

I'll be posting often about the sprout, and let you all know how it's going. But I promise to try to not let it consume my blog!

Until next time,
Preggo KK

stream of consciousness

Today is a strange day for me. It seems like a day of contradictions. A day of inner battles; I'm not sure which side is winning and I'm left with more questions than answers. Ever have those days?

Today I am battling myself, and all my inner demons. I'm battling the negativity that I get from the world and from myself. I am trying my hardest to gain an advantage on the enemy, but it seems as though I am fighting an uphill battle. How is it possible to feel so many things at the same time, and have those feelings contradict each other? Am I normal?

For instance:

How can Noah drive me crazy, and yet make me want another one every time I look at him?

How can I get a negative pregnancy test today and feel ok about it one minute, and then angry the next?

How can I continue to get negative pregnancy tests (throughout the years) and still go on? And if I don't get pregnant, is that unfair to Noah?

How can I say that if I need to I will go through all the fertility treatments again, when even speaking those words scares me?

How can I live in a house so full of laughter and still feel lonely sometimes?

How can I be so desperate to get off of this base, and yet terrified of the thought of leaving?

How can I be so full of love and still not like myself sometimes?

Am I selfish for wanting another baby, even knowing how hard it may be on my body; or is it natural?

How is it possible to be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time?

How can I continue to battle like this with myself when I know that no one really wins, and that Cody and Noah are the ones who lose in the end. I hate for them to see me like this.

Is it normal to have so many jumbled up feelings like this? I am not sure. I am hoping that putting them out into the blog-o-sphere will help me a little bit. This is my first real attempt and unedited posting...just letting the words stream out of my head. So, I'm sorry if it seems discombobulated or confusing...imagine how it sounds in my brain! lol.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this all the way through, but if you do...thanks for "listening" and letting me get a few things off of my chest and out of my head. Maybe this will help me sleep tonight.

On a much much lighter note....this is for my military wife friends. The language may be a tad offensive to some, I didn't find it that bad. And of course it is an exaggeration, but it made me smile. I can't take credit for this. I just found it on Youtube. Enjoy!

KK

I WANT!!

"I want!" How many times a day do we say this? Or our children? Now that I have a toddler, every time I hear the word "want" it's like nails on a chalk board. I am trying to "I want" less. Instead, I am trying to say "I would like..." It just sounds so much nicer. But for all the niceties, there are a few things in this life that I do truly WANT. (Aside from world peace, but who doesn't want that?)

I WANT Cody to not have to deploy for at least 12 months.

I WANT Dodo to be able to finish school without some of the stresses she has had.

I WANT Abbey's foot to be better.

I WANT to feel happy and secure all of the time. (working on that one)

I WANT to give Noah a sibling.

I WANT to see Bentley more than I do.

Those are my "want's" in this life...at least for right now. Are they too much to ask...I don't really know. But I do know that everyone has wants, and needs, and that sometimes we confuse those with "would like to have's". At least I have this blog to help me see things the way they are and put my life back in to perspective. It could always be worse. So, I'll take what I can get.

What would you like?

What do you WANT?

Not Me Monday

Today is the day that I blog about all the things that I "didn't" do in the past 7 days.

I did NOT totally forget to take something out for dinner tonight, and I most certainly did NOT decide to go the easy route and pick up pizza! Not me!

I did NOT make Noah sleep on the top bunk after peeing in the bottom bunk rather than putting new sheets on. (Don't worry I am washing the pee ones!)

I did NOT forget to wash the conditioner out of my hair a few days ago, therefor I did NOT look like I mopped up an oil spill!

I did NOT have a super good time at the mall today with Keylia, and I did NOT spend too much money getting my nails done, so I do NOT feel a little more girly tonight.

And finally, my heart does NOT ache every time I hold Geraint. And it certainly does NOT make me want another child.

What did you not do this week?

UPDATE:

I most certainly did NOT post this a day early because I did NOT think today was Monday even though it is in fact Sunday.

Heard in my house

Me to Noah: Who's the best Noah in the whole world?

Noah: Me!

Me: Who's the best mommy in the whole world?

Noah: You!

Me: Who's the best daddy in the whole world?

Noah: The Hulk!

Man, I love that kid! :)